William All Wet

Prince William has been appointed captain of the swim team at Eton, says Britain’s Mirror. “William, one of the school’s fastest swimmers and a keen water polo player, will help select its team, organize galas and train younger boys,” reports the tabloid. “His duties, which are due to start in September, will also involve keeping records and greeting visiting teams.” Said one school coach: “William has been a good servant to Eton’s swimming over the past four years. His appointment . . . would have delighted Princess Diana.”

  • In other news of the Royals, a disgraced Tom Parker Bowles — son of Prince Charles’s companion Camilla Parker Bowles — has been banned from seeing Prince William by an angry Charles, according to the Sunday Mirror. “Charles has told his cocaine-taking godson Tom, 24, not to go near the 16-year-old future king,” the paper says. “The shamed Old Etonian won’t be allowed to socialize with William until the Royal Family are satisfied he is no longer taking drugs.” Says a royal insider: “Everyone is very distressed. Tom has blown all his nine lives.”
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