Yes, ideally we would all be skipping off into the sunset with our one true love, a companion who fulfills our deepest emotional, physical and mental needs.
But this is reality, where you have a 1000 percent higher chance of your coworker asking you to cover her Saturday shift than someone requesting to spend a dinner date staring at your face. The Tinder-Hinge-Bumble-Coffee Meets Bagel-etc. struggle is real, and it’s not letting up anytime soon.
So this Valentine’s Day, give gifts to yourself (and let’s be real, that’s the only person you’ll be getting gifts from) that can take care of all those pesky needs a significant other would be taking care of if the world wasn’t such a cruel, hopeless place.
The gift: A weighted blanket
Why you need it: Mosaic Weighted Blankets and similar products are filled with poly pellets to “provide deep pressure touch stimulation,” a.k.a. make you feel like you’re falling asleep in someone’s arms. The blankets were created to help with insomnia, ADHD, Autism and other conditions but are also great for people who are just starting to forget what the human touch feels like.
The gift: The Morning Man Alarm Clock app
Why you need it: So you can wake up to the sound of a sexy man’s voice instead of your own broken dreams in the morning. The app even lets you choose from a variety of alluring accents to awaken you, including French, Italian and British.
The gift: An inflatable hoodie
Why you need it: The Hypnos sweater, which at the moment is only available for pre-order on Kickstarter, has an inflatable balloon hidden in the hood that can be used as a convenient, comfortable pillow anytime, anywhere. No more must you lust after a pair of broad shoulders to fall asleep on at the airport – this hoodie has got you covered!
The gift: A cardboard cutout of Drake, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, etc.
Why you need it: As the PEOPLE staff has already proved, cardboard cutouts can be just as satisfactory date partners as any lame flesh and blood human. Why not take your celebrity of choice along so you don’t feel lonely at movies, restaurants or on romantic city strolls?
The gift: Paro
Why you need it: As popularized on Aziz Ansari’s Master of None, Paro is an “advanced interactive robot” that’s used to comfort and provide companionship for the elderly. Modeled after an adorable baby harp seal, Paro uses sensors and motors to recognize and respond to sound, light, temperature and touch. Why should lonely nursing home residents corner the market on artificial friends? You too, deserve a store-bought comrade that’s programmed to be happy to see you.
The gift: The “How Did This Get Made” podcast
Why you need it: Love watching a so-bad-it’s-good movie with a date and sharing a good laugh? Well you can’t. Because you’re single. But there is good news: you can listen to Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael and Jason Mantzoukas extensively discuss those cinematic masterpieces on their hilarious free podcast “How Did This Get Made”. It’s just like discussing a movie on the car ride home from the theater except there’s no expectation of intimacy after.
The gift: The boyfriend pillow with a realistic arm
Why you need it: This stuffed half-torso and arm offers the sensation of sleeping with an arm around you without the hassle of finding someone to put up with your personality or snoring. You can even use it to trick your Instagram followers into thinking someone agreed to get into bed with you.
The gift: The Invisible Boyfriend app
Why you need it: This app first allows you to design the perfect love interest – including his personality, appearance and how you met – and then send yourself texts, voicemails and postcards “from” your “boyfriend.” Yes, really. This is the perfect gift if you’ve already kinda gone off the deep end and are cool with settling for a boyfriend who in no way actually exists.
The gift: A box of chocolates
Why you need it: You know why.