It’s been three years since Taya Kyle lost her husband, and she’s starting to a notice a difference in her grief.
“I’m learning how to breathe through it and not get so caught up in the chaos,” Kyle told PEOPLE while attending the Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach Celebrity Race, hosted by the Verizon IndyCar Series, on Friday. Kyle’s husband, Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, was shot and killed by a fellow former Marine who was suffering from PTSD. His story was later brought to the big screen in American Sniper.
“I’ve sort of honed the skill that I never had before, of being calm in the storm,” Taya Kyle told PEOPLE. “So that there can be chaos, so that there can be storms, but I’m learning how to breathe, relax, and enjoy it, and realize that most things aren’t in my control anyway.”
That includes the grieving process, but the widowed mother of two, 41, still had some positive news to report.
“I think my soul is better. I really feel like I’m starting to heal more,” she told PEOPLE. “I’m just here to answer the call when I can, and I really believe that, for me, I give it to God and say, ‘Okay, it’s going to work out or it’s not.’ I think, sometimes, we can ruin things with our anxiety.”
Kyle is quick to point out that dating is not in the cards for her right now. Unless, of course, those cards are dealt to her.
“If that is meant to be, I feel like God is going to hit me over the head with it with a 2×4 because I’m probably not going to open and looking,” she said. “And so I think that if it’s meant to be that will happen”
Added Kyle with a laugh, “I personally could give you a million reasons why its not going to happen.”
“I have a lot of really good people around me, but I haven’t let go of Chris being with me, honestly.”
And with that, the tears start to well in her eyes.
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“I really feel like he is still very present,” she says. “And sometimes it seems crazy to think that it’s been three years. Logically I know that it has, but I still feel a lot of love and support from him even though he’s not physically here.”
So for now it is about embracing herself, her loss, her family and her faith. Everything else, she says, the chaos of it all, can wait.
“I’m just trying to learn how to not plan, and how to not know and be okay with that,” she says. “We try to plan, but I think that it’s an illusion anyway. Now I’m just trying to be calm about it, comforted, instead of [being] afraid of the unknown, I’m just trying to embrace it, and be the best friend that I can be, the best mother that I can be.”