Chuck Zlotnick/Focus Features/Everett
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June 10, 2016 04:35 PM

Hooking up is hard to do.

Really, anything involving the combined competency of two people is tricky, but for some reason, there’s an unknowable amount of things that can go wrong during sex specifically.

via GIPHY

We trolled Reddit for the most cringe-worthy stories, and here are the 13 that made us decide to become nuns/priests for the rest of our days.

“One time, I got off of work and my girlfriend picked me up in her truck. She drove to a random field, hoping to surprise me with a mid-day hookup. She parked the truck and reached over to pull me closer to her. Caught up in the heat of the moment, I simply leaned over and began making out with her. I was extremely nervous, glancing around in order to make sure that no cars were nearby. We started to hook up, but I kept my pants on, in order to make sure that we could make a quick getaway if need be. Once we finished hooking up, I sat in the passenger seat. I reached into my pocket for my phone in order to check the time, and I realized that I had butt dialed my mom’s voicemail 15 minutes earlier. Everything we had just done was captured on her voicemail … I was mortified. There was nothing I could do.”

via GIPHY

“After a night out with an ex-girlfriend of mine, I went to drop her off at her house as per usual for an 18-year-old. This particular night she decided that wasn’t enough, and she basically dragged me inside to the living room. She flipped on the TV for some background noise (her mother was upstairs) and hit play on the Ice Age DVD that her little brother had left on. We start to screw on the couch, and everything is going on until Scrat starts flippin’ shit over his acorn. She had her eyes closed, either enjoying the moment or picturing herself in a happy place, not sure which. Anyways, I bust out laughing mid-thrust at the damn saber-toothed squirrel, and losing all focus on the task at hand, blew that too. My ex, hearing me laugh, and upon feeling my now-flaccid penis, was infuriated. She asked me, ‘Am I really that bad that I can’t even keep your attention over a cartoon?’ Long story short, she got so pissed she dumped me, there on the spot, standing there naked in her living room, while Diego plotted to steal the baby Eskimo.”

via GIPHY

“In my car in the park, nothing much yet, get caught by a cop, tells us to scram. Next night, same scenario, but with a less friendly cop.”

“I made the worst mistake a guy could make: I called the girl I was with another girl’s name.”

“I have a friend who broke his girlfriend’s vagina.”

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“I once knew a barman that had some difficulty in attracting females, when one night he finally managed to pick up a girl that was drunk enough to take him home after work. He managed to tear his frenulum (skin attaching his penis to his foreskin) while putting on a condom, he ended up having to go hospital and having to phone his mom at four in the morning to come collect him from the hospital.”

“I moved the wrong way during reverse cowgirl. I bent my partner’s penis almost in half. He wasn’t happy. ”

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“I’ve never been able to give my wife (or any woman for that matter) an orgasm.”

“In college I had a tough rugby game. After the game, I got very drunk and smoked a lot of weed. After that, I was hooking up with my girl. She was going down on me, and, unfortunately, I fell asleep. I woke up to her yelling at me, ‘You know I don’t like doing this right?’ ”

“I barfed all over his belly.”

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“My first girlfriend and I were hooking up one night. She liked to be on top, and she loved having her ass smacked while she was. So she was riding me pretty hard, and I was smacking her pretty hard when I misjudged when to smack her. I ended up hitting myself in the balls while she was bouncing up. I cried. She laughed.”

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“I yelled out ‘SHAZZAM’ as we were both orgasming. She said it killed the mood but my mood was just super.”

“My friend called a girl ‘dude.’ She complained to everyone about it.”

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