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July 14, 2016 02:40 PM

Let these 22 horrifying stories from security guards serve as a lesson that we are always being watched and that defecating in public is probably a bad idea in general.

1. “I used to work at a mall at guest services. One day I get a call to come up to security, where I’m shown a video of two night guards racing around the mall in the wheelchairs that we lend out.”

2. “We had a guy steal our Santa Claus lobby decoration, take it in a stairwell, strip it naked and tear its head out.”

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3. “I saw my great aunt buy four tubes of lube.”

4. “One time a family was in the store with their young child. They’re standing by a display when kid drops trow and poops on the middle of the floor.”

5. “I used to run a 24-hour library at night, which basically entailed occasionally answering a question, fixing machines and keeping drunks and criminals out. I had to stop a couple properly going at it against a coffee machine.”

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6. “I did some base security when I was in the army. We have recordings that go all the way back for a few years, before it is dumped into the central server, but there are some tapes that have been specially kept aside for being funny/scary/weird. On one tape marked ‘fail,’ there’s a couple taking their wedding photos outside the base. The lady, wearing a full wedding dress, trips and falls right into the ditch – her dress goes from white to brown.”

7. “An older lady took off her prosthetic leg and used it as a back scratcher.”

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8. “Many people make out in the elevators until they realize the cameras are there, then stop.”

9. “I’m a dispatcher for a hospital police department. My job is to sit in a box and watch cameras. I’ve seen a drunk homeless man getting kicked out of the waiting room for showing his penis to people and then stumbling out down the sidewalk. I’ve also seen people getting literally pushed out of cars in front of our ED with gun shot wounds while their friends speed off and leave them on the sidewalk to die.”

10. “I saw a kid playing with himself on some stairs. When he finished, he looked at the cameras, freaked out, and ran away.”

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11. “I once saw a kid walking around the store, getting close to a female mannequin and then looking around to check if the coast was clear. Once he decided no one could see him, he wrapped his arm around the mannequin gave it a nice little butt rub and then started kissing it.”

12. “I worked security for a university dorm. I’ve watched drunk freshmen try desperately to act sober before throwing up in the lobby in front of me. I’ve seen someone proudly walk past carrying a life-sized, blow-up doll. I’ve witnessed a streaker rip off his bathrobe in one proud flamboyant gesture and throw it to the floor before he went racing off into the night. But the most awkward incidents are always the kids trying to ‘discreetly’ go at it on the couches. They’re located just out of sight of the security post, so people think they’re not being watched. If they would bother to detach from each others’ faces long enough to look directly above their heads, they would see a small black orb staring down at them disapprovingly.”

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13. “I work at a hotel with security cameras. A dude pulled down his swimming trunks (coming from a pool) and dropped a deuce in front of the elevator.”

14. “I’ve seen a loooooot of people hooking up in the most random places.”

15. “A drunk co-worker stripped naked in a service elevator.”

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16. “I had a resident have a bad diarrhea accident in the elevator, just after he finished his run in the neighborhood. He returned with a mop and bucket to clean it up.”

17. “I saw a girl walking around looking paranoid at my work, so I went and reviewed the cameras to see if she had stolen something. It turns out she had shoved a candy bar up inside of her. I didn’t ask her to return it.”

18. “I was watching a security cam at the counter for an adult store and there was a guy who didn’t work there re-arranging all the movies.”

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19. “I used to be a bouncer at a strip club. Every Thursday, a dude would take a girl – always the same girl – to one of our VIP rooms and watch her eat an apple. That’s it. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Nothing sexual, she had clothes on; it was just like, ‘Hey, I’ll take you back there for a couple songs while you eat an apple.'”

20. “A lady got out of her car and wiped her butt with a shirt. She then left the shirt and just drove away.”

21. “A man walked through the shop, bending down and smelling people’s backsides.”

22. “A couple pulled up on the side of the freeway in this tunnel, at night, got out of the car and started hooking up on the hood on the side of the freeway. This was all cheerfully captured on the security cameras.”

All posts have been taken from Reddit and edited for length and clarity.

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