President Barack Obama could have a career as a late-night host post-presidency, if these speeches are any indication

August 04, 2016 01:55 PM

The annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner is a chance for the harried press corps of Washington, D.C., to let their hair down and have some fun. It’s also a chance for the nation’s Commander-in-Chief to show off his (or her) comedic chops, something that President Barack Obama has been regularly raising the bar for during his terms as the nation’s leader.

In honor of Barry O’s birthday Thursday, we’ve rounded up the best zingers he’s delivered from the past seven years of dinners. Whoever represents next year, well, they’ve got some big shoes to fill.

1. “I have to confess I really did not want to be here tonight, but I knew I had to come – just one more problem that I’ve inherited from George W. Bush.”

2. “Dick Cheney was supposed to be here but he is very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled, How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People.”

3. “In the next hundred days, our bipartisan outreach will be so successful that even John Boehner will consider becoming a Democrat. After all, we have a lot in common. He is a person of color. Although not a color that appears in the natural world.”

4. “I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight – great to see you, Jay [Leno]. I’m also glad that I’m speaking first, because we’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno’s.”

5. “The Jonas Brothers are here. They’re out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But, boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: ‘Predator drones.’ You will never see it coming. You think I’m joking.”

6. “A few weeks ago I was able to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. And I don’t know if you saw it, but I threw it a little high and a little outside. This is how FOX News covered it: ‘President panders to extreme left-wing of batter box.'”

7. “There’s someone who I can always count on for support: my wonderful wife Michelle. We made a terrific team at the Easter Egg Roll this week. I’d give out bags of candy to the kids, and she’d snatch them right back out of their little hands.”

8. “The deficit is a serious issue. That’s why Paul Ryan couldn’t be here tonight. His budget has no room for laughter.”

9. “Donald Trump is here tonight! Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter – like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”

10. “Congress and I have certainly had our differences; yet, I’ve tried to be civil, to not take any cheap shots. And that’s why I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.”

11. “It’s great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent Hilton ballroom — or what Mitt Romney would call a little fixer-upper.”

12. “I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize. You deserve it, Arianna. There’s no one else out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day… And you don’t pay them – it’s a great business model.”

13. “In my first term, we ended the war in Iraq; in my second term, I will win the war on Christmas.”

14. “These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be.”

15. “I know CNN has taken some knocks lately, but the fact is I admire their commitment to cover all sides of a story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate.”

16. “The media landscape is changing so rapidly. You can’t keep up with it. I mean, I remember when BuzzFeed was just something I did in college around 2:00 a.m.”

17. While we’re talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story — an American won the Boston Marathon for the first time in 30 years. Which was inspiring and only fair, since a Kenyan has been president for the last six.”

18. “Fox News, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.”

19. “Welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency … The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages – they’re like magic. You should try one.”

21. “Six years into my presidency, people still say I’m arrogant. Aloof. Condescending. People are so dumb. No wonder I don’t meet with them.”

22. “Donald Trump is here. Still.”

23. “Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie … Apparently, some folks want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all!”

24. “Eight years ago, I was a young man, full of idealism and vigor, and look at me now. I am gray and grizzled, just counting down the days ’til my death panel.”

25. “You might have heard that someone jumped the White House fence last week, but I have to give Secret Service credit – they found Michelle, brought her back, she’s safe back at home now.”

26. “Somehow, despite all this, despite the churn, in my final year, my approval ratings keep going up. The last time I was this high, I was trying to decide on my major.”

27. There’s one area where Donald’s experience could be invaluable – and that’s closing Guantanamo. Because Trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground. All right, that’s probably enough. I mean, I’ve got more material – no, no, I don’t want to spend too much time on The Donald. Following your lead, I want to show some restraint.”

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