Jack Definitely Could Have Fit on that Door and 6 Other Obvious Cinematic Solutions
After Kate Winslet admitted Titanic could have had a different ending, we look back on some other easily-fixable movie problems
We’ve all been that person watching a movie and torturing our friends with a bunch of “why don’t they just to this” and “they should have just done that” comments. (No? Just us?) In any case, there are certain movies that just about everyone agrees played fast and loose with logic for the sake of drama. (For example, a certain film about a giant, ill-fated cruise ship – see below.)
Here, we examine Titanic and six more movies that totally would have gone down differently had we been the characters. And before we get a million “Because there wouldn’t be a movie if they did it that way” objections, just calm down and enjoy the show, would you? (Also, spoilers.)
Even Rose herself, Kate Winslet, finally admitted that she didn’t really have to leave Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) at the bottom of the ocean. As anyone who’s ventured out into human society within the last two decades knows, Jack dies a tragic death in the freezing waters of the Atlantic while Rose survives on a stray wooden door. “I think he could have actually fit on that bit of door,” Winslet said on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, vindicating us all after twenty years. In 2012, the Mythbusters even used their science smarts to prove that Jack and Rose could have kept a survivable percent of their body mass out of the water by tying the life vest to the bottom of the door:
One of the best horror films of 2015, It Follows depends entirely upon its characters’ apparent lack of awareness of air travel. Teenager Jay (Maika Monroe) acquires a demon-type stalker force that will, yes, follow her relentlessly until it catches and kills her. Here’s the thing, though: The stalker will always be moving towards its target, but it’s very, very slow. So if you were to, say, hop on a plane and put an ocean between you and “it,” you could buy yourself an awful lot of time, if not avoid it entirely. Sure, the kids in the movie probably don’t exactly have a plane ticket’s worth of allowance saved up, but if your choices are: A) die a scary death or B) get creative with your finances, you could probably come up with some way to scrap together the cash.
Gravity’s dramatic intensity and stunning visuals couldn’t distract us from the glaringly avoidable nature of its most devastating death. Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) untethers himself from Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) when their line gets tangled as they try to board the International Space Station, thus allowing Stone to pull herself to the ship but causing him to fly off into space. This was all very sad, but as Kowalski floated away, we couldn’t help but wonder why Stone didn’t simply pull him towards her, putting them both safely in reach of the ISS. It’s, you know, space, and there were no forces acting on him at the time. Neil deGrasse Tyson, an astrophysicist and all-around Explainer of Things, explained the non-conundrum on Twitter:
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The second Twilight installment follows a long line of romantic movies with disasters that could have been avoided if people had just had the genius idea to be honest and communicate openly with each other. Instead of just telling fragile teenage accident-bait Bella (Kristen Stewart) you no longer love her and suddenly disappearing – predictably sending her spiraling into a black hole of sadness – why not just tell her you’re worried about dragging her into your deadly vampire life? Seriously, shouldn’t Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) have a better understanding of heartbreak after reading minds for over a hundred years? And if you wind up wanting to make a grand, suicidal gesture as a result of all this, maybe pop back over to Forks and make sure your lady love is actually dead before you go full Romeo and turn to terrifying vampire tyrants to help you kill yourself. (Never go full Romeo.)
The Little Mermaid
We all remember the story: Ariel trades her voice for legs and thus can’t tell Prince Eric that she’s the enchanting mermaid who saved him from drowning. But, why didn’t the clever sea princess – who’s already proven herself literate, or at least familiar with the concept of the written word, by signing a contract with Ursula – explain the precarious situation to her hunk via writing? Perhaps even drawing a picture? This would have saved our childhood from a lot of giant octopus nightmares.
Sex and the City
Everyone’s favorite sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) becomes all weepy and brunette after her fiancé, Big (Chris Noth), tells her he “can’t do this” on the morning of their wedding. Pretty much immediately after dropping that heart-wrenching bombshell, Big realizes he’s made a huge, stupid mistake and turns right back around to the venue. So, we’re left with another case of “Maybe we should all be honest and open with our loved ones instead of telling them simple but cryptic banalities.” Big could have avoided their (temporary) break-up in several ways: By getting out of his car and talking to Carrie when he freaks out about seeing her in a wedding gown, instead of just running away in fear; by saying something like “I freaked out when I saw you in a wedding gown,” instead of just “I just left, I can’t do this” when he called her; you get the idea.
10 Things I Hate About You
This classic Taming of the Shrew-based teen rom-com could have taken a shortcut past a lot of drama and heartbreak. For instance, Bianca Stratford (Larisa Oleynik) could have just sat her sister Kat (Julia Stiles) down and struck a “give you 20 bucks if you tell Dad you’re going to prom”-type deal. That way, Bianca – who had been barred from going to the dance unless Kat also attended it – could get her groove thing on, Kat could have avoided a giant fight with Patrick (Heath Ledger) over being tricked into going to prom and Papa Stratford would have been none the wiser. Everybody wins!