Not for any malicious intent, just, you know, to feel better

By Alex Heigl
November 26, 2015 09:35 AM
Getty

Everyone has time-honored traditions come holiday time. Some people trot out a specific sweater, others might look forward to a dedicated reunion with old friends.

I like to lie.

It’s not out of any malicious intent, or because I’m actually that ashamed of my life. It’s just that there’s nothing quite like hearing about the lives of others to make you viciously question the decisions you’ve made thus far in your life.

So, to that end, I present an incomplete list of the lies I intend to tell to anyone I went to high school with when I return home to visit at Thanksgiving.

My therapist says I’m making progress.

I’m so excited to be back home!

Oh, I’m keeping busy.

No, I haven’t been spending a significant amount of time crying to that new Adele song.

I’m thinking about joining a gym in 2016.

I don’t think I peaked in high school. I think I’m just getting started.

Yeah, I hope to put a down payment on a place next year.

Oh, I totally recognized you, it just took me a while to put a name to a face.

No, I didn’t turn around and literally run out of the grocery store the other day when you waved at me. Must have been somebody else.

No, I didn’t just let loose with a series of short, sharp screams. That must have been someone else.

I spend a lot of time volunteering.

No, this isn’t the shirt I was wearing when you saw me at this exact bar at this exact time yesterday.

Of course I brought more than one shirt home to visit for four-plus days.

This has been a lot of fun. We should do this every year.

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