By Maria Yagoda
February 26, 2016 04:00 PM
Instagram

It was very brave for Khloé Kardashian to admit she uses an app to edit her Instagram photos. “Facetune is the best thing to bring to the table. It’s life changing,” she told Chelsea Handler. “It’s the only way to live.”

As a down-on-her-luck career woman with acne scars, blotchiness and cheeks that just won’t stay put, I figured I could benefit from this life-changing photo editing tool that might help me make my face smoother, sleeker, slimmer, sexier, sultrier, etc.

I revisited some old selfies that I had never ended up posting because I didn’t think they were 100 percent where I wanted them to be, aesthetically. Could Facetune make them postable? I reluctantly spent $3.99 on the app – which lets you soften skin, reshape, apply filters and frames and add coloring – and got to work. (Yes, this is “work.” You could even call it “heroic service to this great nation.”)

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

Here, I made my lips a darker color (so sultry) and softened my skin, consequently removing my signature cheek mole. I blurred the background because my split ends are awful. I also tried to slim my face. The result: Mostly successful. I don’t know if I would post on social media because it’s obvious I spent a lot of time editing, and the last thing I want is for people to think I care.

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

I took an old “woke up like dis” selfie and tried to make my cheeks a little less puffy. What happened next was a total, total disaster. The result: Demon. The re-shape function – which you control by swiping your finger – can go sour very fast, and then as you scramble to reconstruct your face, it gets progressively worse.

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

I wanted to see if the re-size function could make my hair appear thicker and more luminous, and I also wanted to add a sensual filter to show off my alternative edge. I then softened my skin, which blurs blemishes pretty well – the main thing I care about. The result: Sort of cute? There’s something a bit off about it. Like the humans in The Polar Express.

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

I wanted to make this ill-advised crying selfie adorable. The result: Impossible. The mission was impossible.

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

For this bathroom selfie with a friend, I wanted to a) minimize the amount of blood visible on my lips, which were quite chapped that day, b) make my face a little skinnier, c) even my skin-tone and d) just have some fun with it. I love the retro filter I added – it looks like we’re just two scrappy frontier lasses from the 1880s. The result: I would totally post this photo, as it doesn’t appear to be overly edited. I would just need to crop out my forearm, which became progressively more diseased looking throughout the editing process.

Courtesy Maria Yagoda

For this selfie, which I took on a train zipping through Belgium (attracting the bemused stares of a fiercely modest people), I wanted to see if I could minimize my cleavage with the blur function – some family members follow me on Instagram – as well as add a pop of color to my cheeks. I had already filtered the photo when I first took it, and wanted to see if the app still worked on filtered photos. The result: Very, very clearly edited. But still sort of cute?

Conclusion: Modern society has broken us all.

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