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February 18, 2016 12:50 PM

I have long been envious of Kim Kardashian’s cleavage, and I will not let you make me feel ashamed about that.

After Kardashian revealed that the secret behind her lifted, separated, pushed-up breasts when she’s wearing low-cut outfits not conducive to bras is heavy-duty tape – I repeat: HEAVY-DUTY TAPE – that envy turned to intrigue.

And while I never wear low-cut ensembles because I’m rarely invited to red carpet events – and old, cereal-encrusted sweaters are more of my aesthetic – I wanted show-stopping breasts. Was tape the answer??

“You tape them up so they’re super lifted,” Kardashian wrote on her app. “It takes a little work, but trust me, it’s all worth it, LOL.”

I had to try this myself.

After a long day at the office Googling “can tape make your nipples bleed,” I headed to a friend’s apartment, because the only thing sadder than getting your boobs taped up by a friend is taping your boobs up yourself.

After a few glasses of wine and a three-hour Bachelor marathon (because, priorities), I took off my shirt and we began.

IMPORTANT: We band-aided my nipples first. This gaffer’s tape is heavy-duty, and I didn’t want to lose my nips in the process. You know, priorities.

The Verdict

My boobs didn’t go as high as Kardashian’s, but whose really could? I was so nervous about the whole process – and the inevitable ripping off of the tape – that I don’t think we did as rigorous a job as we could have. I had some boob slipping out the side – we should have taped that up. I was just nervous about applying too much tape and then taking the tape off, and then dying without ever getting to kiss my dog again. Because as Kardashian said on her app: “Make sure you don’t have any lotions or oils on when you’re lifting your boobs up with the tape. Just brace yourself for when it’s time to take it off, LOL.”

Two layers of tape securely applied, I took some racy pics, then put on a blazer to see if it worked with clothes. And, yes, while my boobs didn’t levitate as much as I would have liked – there was still some sag – I felt proud of myself for being the best journalist I could be.

Then came the moment I’d been dreading – taking off the tape. My friend did it in one fell swoop, and, yes, I screamed, but it was over really quickly and then I ate a sandwich.

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