The Five People You'll Want to Hook Up with When You're Home for the Holidays
You’re home for the holidays, and you’re bored. That can only mean one thing – hookups. (Also, like, hanging out with friends and playing with your dog or whatever.)
You have limitless options – you’re a hotshot, a total catch, way too ~cool~ for your hometown – but here are the five guys we know you’re going to be especially tempted by.
1. The kid you always had a crush on who went on to make nothing of himself, his potential.
His offensive Facebook posts and newly rotund form does not take away from the fact that he has gorgeous eyes, an agreeable sense of humor and athletic prowess, at least as demonstrated in seventh grade gym class.
Pro Tip: When you text him to meet up, do not be dissuaded by his use of “there” and “their.” You’re in this for your 15-year-old self, so keep your eyes on the prize. You owe it to her.
2. The neighborhood dad who has only improved with age.
Much like fine wine, dads can improve with age. Call it Clooney-ing or call it The Paul Rudd Effect – but don’t call it love. (The holiday season is not the time to get attached.)
Pro Tip: Avoid breaking up any marriages during the holiday season. It would be such a bummer for all parties involved, so you’re better off just keep this one a crush.
3. A dating app hottie you know you’ll never see again.
After your parents go to sleep with the dog at 8 p.m., you’ll likely get bored and mindlessly open Tinder or Bumble or Bumblr on your phone … and then you’ll find yourself perusing the locals for hours, imagining what your life would have been like if you’d never left home.
Pro Tip: Make sure to select the absolute hottest guy. He should also have a car – if he’s going to be your over-the-holidays boyfriend, you’ll need him to drive you around to all the local haunts (mall, Taco Bell, etc.).
4. Your high school ex.
Sometimes – maybe most times – the things you want more than anything are the worst for you. (See: tater tots.)
Pro Tip: We got nothing. You’re on your own here.
5. The only cute, relatively accomplished, normal-seeming dude you meet out at the local bars, where you are gracefully avoiding your high school ex.
Pro Tip: He can’t break your heart if you remain guarded. But we have a feeling you’re going to fall hard and fast for the former nerd who really grew into his cynicism/oversized ears. (Or does eggnog only have that effect on us?)