Why Is Ana Steele Using a Flip Phone? And 49 Other Questions We Have for 'Fifty Shades'

You can buy an iPhone 5c for free, you know!

Photo: Chuck Zlotnick/Focus Features

Much like our BDSM expert who reviewed the film, some of us at PEOPLE were a bit surprised to find we actually enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey.

Still, the movie left us with some pressing questions – like why was Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), a woman living in the year 2015, using a flip phone? You can get an iPhone 5c for free these days, you know.

For 49 more of our burning questions (and our inner goddess’s thoughts on them), check out the list below.

1. How does Christian Grey’s (Jamie Dornan) hood stay up while he’s running?
This is almost more implausible than the flip phone.

2. What journalist would send their roommate to interview their billionaire subject?
Apart from the fact that you can’t send anybody in your stead, Kate Kavanagh worked hard to bag that interview! Tough it up, Kavanagh.

3. Speaking of why did Christian agree to an interview with Kate anyways?
Even if he’s impressed with her tenacity, it still seems like a waste of time. She works for a school newspaper and he makes $100,000 per hour.

4. Has Ana ever had to dress for any interview in her life?
Because Dr. Martens are just not appropriate. Surely she has a pair of nice black flats?

5. Is there always parking right outside Grey House?
Ana pulls right up to the door of a skyscraper in a major U.S. city. She’s lucky, but no one’s that lucky.

6. What does Christian Grey actually do?
According to its (fake) website, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. is a “global leader in communications technologies, eco manufacturing, and next generation farming solutions.” But what does that actually mean? You ask us, it sounds like code for unemployed.

7. What is Ana using that pencil for?
She has a recorder. The pencil is unnecessary, particularly since Christian just emails Kate his answers anyways.

8. In fact, why did Ana have to go to Seattle for the interview at all?
Has no one heard of a (flip) phone?

9. Who was Christian’s next meeting with?
That poor soul.

10. Is Kate the worst roommate ever?
Stealing food is a dealbreaker, Kavanagh!

11. Did Ana make another sandwich after Kate stole hers?
Not to sound like Christian, but we’re worried she’s not eating enough.

12. How long was Christian lurking in that aisle at the hardware store?

13. Why does Christian get in the front seat with his driver?
What’s the point of a chauffeur if you’re not going to ride in the back?

14. Is Taylor officially the least intimidating name for a driver/bodyguard ever?
And why can’t he go by his first name, Jason?

15. Does Christian drink Fifty Shades-branded wine?
Follow-up question: Does he prefer White Silk or Red Satin?

16. Why does Ana wear a T-shirt to go to a bar?

A sky blue tee, nonetheless. Someone get the girl a halter top.

17. How did Christian find Ana?
Not with Find My iPhone, that’s for sure.

18. Did Christian make her brush her teeth before getting into bed with her?
She puked on him, after all. A little Crest goes a long way.

19. Who delivered breakfast while Christian was out running?
Because they did so while Ana was sleeping. Cue Twilight Zone music.

20. Why aren’t Ana’s lips ragged and bleeding from all of her lip bites?
She must use prescription ChapStick.

21. Related: At what point does lip biting stop being sexy?
We say right about at the eighth one in 30 minutes.

22. Is Christian a member of the mile high club?
Point: He’s a fan of kinky sex and he owns a helicopter. Counterpoint: Who would fly the helicopter?

23. Does Christian really seem like an Xbox kind of guy?
Come on, Ana. He’s wearing custom-tailored suits!

24. If Christian doesn’t normally have sex with anybody in his bed, why is there a mirror over it?
Really, though. Does he just like looking at himself?

25. Why isn’t Christian Grey’s penthouse apartment more secure?
Does his mom have a key or something? She just waltzes into that place. Has she never heard of a phone either?

26. Who stocks Christian’s fridge?
He seems like a Seamless guy, to be honest.

27. What was wrong with Ana’s computer?
Our money’s on a Trojan virus (tee hee).

28. Why isn’t Ana valedictorian?
Last we checked, Ana also had a 4.0 GPA (unless she blew her exams daydreaming about Christian?).

29. Should Ana have showered before post-run sex?
Girl probably tasted like a salty pretzel.

30. Is Christian a Beyoncé fan?
Beyoncé’s a Christian fan!

31. Where does Christian go to stock his playroom?
Amazon Prime probably sees a lot of weird orders shipped to the Escala.

32. Does Christian buy all new sex toys for each of his submissives?
We hope Ana’s not sharing the same riding crop with 15 other women.

33. How often are the sheets in the playroom laundered?
And who launders them?

34. How do Christian’s dirty sex jeans stay up if they are unbuttoned?
Wait, don’t think about that too closely.

35. What is Christian’s beauty routine?

His chest doesn’t just wax itself, does it?

36. Did Christian and Ana ever eat their sushi?
It’s important to be well fed for contract negotiations!

37. Does Ana only wear Fifty Shades-branded lingerie?
Actually, does Ana wear a bra at all?

38. What did the Greys serve for dessert?
You know it was good.

39. Does Ana have a Twitter?
Is her handle @Anamal?

40. Why does Ana’s room at Christian’s place look like it was designed by Marie Antoinette?
We think that bed is supposed to look lavish, but it just looks tacky.

41. Does Christian own a TV?
What does he for entertainment? (You know, besides BDSM and “work.”)

42. Did Ana use Wikipedia to research BDSM?
And did she clear her cookies after?

43. Is Ana the only girl Christian devirginized?
Based on his reaction, we’d say yes.

44. Does Christian have a condom on him at all times?
He seems to produce them out of thin air! But we admire his commitment to safe sex.

45. Is Ana’s mom disturbed by Christian’s sudden appearance in Georgia?
For us, this is the point where Christian officially crossed the line into stalker territory. But Ana’s mom seemed totally cool with it!

46. How do you land a glider?
We still can’t believe they didn’t crash and burn.

47. Does Christian have underwear?
Or is he more of a commando kind of guy?

48. What does Ana do during the week?
Is Wednesday night ladies’ night? And does she wear a T-shirt?

49. Do we wish the tampon scene had been in the movie?
No comment.

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