Republican candidate for president Donald Trump has already announced at least one member of his presumptive Cabinet – running mate Mike Pence, who would serve as Vice President – but the rest of the picks remain a mystery. Perhaps because Trump has said that he has “a very good brain” and would “consult” himself on, for example, foreign policy if elected, we haven’t gotten a very clear image of what his Cabinet would look like.
Trump has, however, tapped former Celebrity Apprentice star Omarosa Manigault as director of African-American outreach for his campaign. That appointment had us scratching our heads, and it inspired us to go ahead and pick potential options for major Cabinet positions based on other Celebrity Apprentice contestants. If they were good enough for network reality TV, they’re good enough for America … right?
Secretary of State: Meat Loaf
For two, mostly related, reasons. 1) Judging from the clip above, Meat Loaf’s fiery pasién is a match for the Donald’s vim and vigor; 2) Listening to Mark McGrath attempt to soothe Mr. Loaf in the above clip by calmly saying, “Meat, meat, meat” is about as surreally disassociating as watching 2016’s election coverage and 2a) “Secretary of State Meat Loaf” is hilarious.
Secretary of the Treasury: Gene Simmons
Yes, Simmons was technically fired by Trump, so it’d be kind of awkward. But Simmons also has decades of actual business experience (and, like Trump, people who aren’t his biggest fans due to his business practices) and is probably one of the few people on the planet whose drive (and self-regard) rivals Trump’s.
Secretary of Defense: Bill Goldberg
You guys remember Goldberg, right? He was sort of like a bizarro Stone Cold Steve Austin during the late ’90s-early ’00s era of professional wrestling? Let’s see Putin try to intimidate this guy.
Attorney General: Teresa Giudice
What! I mean, why not?
Secretary of Agriculture: Darryl Strawberry
His last name is a fruit.
Secretary of Education: Penn Jillette
Have you watched Jillette dissect his appearance on Celebrity Apprentice? (See above.) I trust this man to educate my children more than I trust myself.
Secretary of the Interior: Cyndi Lauper
Because I would prefer our country’s beautiful national parks system to resemble the video for “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” more than I want many things in life.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Dennis Rodman
Twist: Dennis Rodman’s whole North Korea fascination has actually been deep-cover, double-agent-status training for this appointment.
Secretary of Labor: Khloé Kardashian
How do you not trust a Kardashian with job creation in this country?
Chief of Staff: Geraldo Rivera
Rivera has a bachelor’s degree in business administration, served as an investigator with the NYPD, and graduated from Brooklyn Law School near the top of his class. If that’s not preparation for a job with the Trump administration, literally nothing short of Leonardo DiCaprio‘s journey in The Revenant is.