By Maria Yagoda
Updated August 16, 2016 12:00 PM
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Credit: Getty

If you don’t talk in your sleep, you probably know – or have slept next to – someone who does. The experience of overhearing someone’s mid-sleep ramblings can be terrifying and confusing, but also hilarious.

Her are 16 stories from Reddit users whose significant others said downright absurd things in their sleep.

1. “My boyfriend talks in his sleep with his eyes open a lot. This one night I was having trouble sleeping and heard some kind of a noise that freaked me out, so I cuddled in closer to him. He turned over, looked me dead in the face and said, ‘I can’t protect you. When they come they’re just going to kill me.’ I immediately moved away from him. Next thing I know he latches onto me from behind and just starts laughing. I was certain I was about to die.”

2. “My ex actually had a hilarious habit of sleep-talking. She often had no idea she was doing it; it was like the part of her brain tasked with interpreting questions and responding stayed on, but the rest of her was off. I once asked her, ‘Do you mind scooting over?’ and the response I got was, ‘I’ll deal with the monkeys tomorrow.'”

3. “My ex spoke in his sleep. One time he said ‘mmmmm Stacey mmmmm.’ I didn’t think much of it because I get sex dreams with random people. The next day I was on our iPad when he gets a ‘let’s meet up ? xx’ text from, you guessed it, Stacey.”

4. “Mine sat upright in bed and left a full voicemail for a client of his, including dates and times. He ended with his usual sign-off, lay back down and went right back to sleep.”

5. “My partner loves fish. Like, he has five fish tanks and over 100 fish. One night I was woken up by him loudly saying, ‘We have to take the fish out of the tank or they will die!’ multiple times. I was confused until I realized he was asleep. I asked why we had to take them out of the tank. His response? ‘THEY’RE ALL GOING TO DROWN!’ I laughed so hard I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

6. “I asked my husband to scoot over, and he said, ‘Sorry I pushed you off the sprinkler system.'”

7. “Mine frequently sits upright out of a completely dead sleep and asks me who is in the room. He’ll then grab the flashlight from the nightstand and shine it at the same corner every time. Sometimes that isn’t enough proof that no one is there, and I have to convince him that it’s just us and he can go back to sleep. That usually does the trick.”

8. “My fiancé rolled onto her side facing me, cocked back her arm and punched me in the side of the head. She did this while screaming, ‘This is my T-rex!'”

9. “She started tugging on my pillows in the middle of the night, convinced I was sleeping on a stack of cloth she was supposed to sew together. She got really angry. She woke me up, pulled up the sheets a little and pointed to them. ‘Look at that!!!’ … What? ‘That stitching, it’s all wrong!!!’ Then she lay back down and fell asleep.”

10. “My ex was from Mexico. I’m American. He jumped out of bed one night and started doing a monologue in Spanish. I had no idea what he was saying. Then he started talking into his phone while picking out clothes from his closet. He got fully dressed for work and came back to bed still speaking Spanish.”

11. “My boyfriend literally woke up and screamed bloody murder at 4 am last night. Like top-of-his-lungs scream. I swear I nearly hit the ceiling with how fast I jumped. When I finally calmed myself down enough to ask what was wrong, he said his hand felt cold and fell sound asleep again.”

12. “She said, ‘Just follow the jellybeans.’ I said, ‘What?’ She opened her eyes and looked straight up, said it again, then rolled over fast asleep. I started laughing, which woke her. She asked what happened. I told her. She said I was lying.”

13. “My wife shook me awake in the dead of night, sat me up – not an easy feat – and said very seriously, ‘Don’t let me forget to put the pancakes in the watermelon’ and immediately fell over snoring.”

14. “‘Jada sold it on eBay. Don’t pay shipping! Thailand.’ Jada is our dog. But yeah, she never pays for shipping to or from Thailand.”

15. “My fiancé woke me up very aggressively and screamed, ‘A DUCK IS A DUCK THAT LEADS THE GREY DUCKLINGS’ and promptly fell back asleep. Not the worst motto ever I suppose.”

16. “I turned over in bed and my boyfriend said, soundly asleep, ‘That was pretty slutty.'”

All posts have been edited from Reddit for length and clarity.