15 Absurd Blind Date Stories That Will Make You Want to Be Forever Alone

Friends and family probably still haven't been forgiven for these unfortunate outings

Photo: Kelsey McNeal/Bravo

The dating landscape is a minefield.

‘But surely my loved ones and trusted acquaintances can help navigate this treacherous world and find me a suitable mate amongst their social networks,’ you say to yourself.

You are wrong. So, so wrong – as the Redditors below know all too well.

“My blind date gave me an IQ test on the spot. When he found out that I had a ‘good score’ he said he won’t be able to date me because I’m too smart for him and I will end up making his life miserable.”

“I chatted a girl up online for about a week or so, and things went pretty well, so we decided to meet up. Let’s just say her photo didn’t match her appearance. Her excuse was that she had a crazy ex that was stalking her, so she used her sister’s photo and name. HER NAME!!! SHE LIED ABOUT HER NAME! Anyway, come to find out that she was an only child. She didn’t catch her slip up, but I sure did.

Then came the food. The waitress may as well have brought it out in a trough, as this woman didn’t use her utensils. Did I mention we were at a steak restaurant? That’s right folks, she picked her steak up and ate it with her hands. Let’s not even get into the potatoes. I couldn’t eat my meal. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I was just going to get my food in a box to go and I’d eat it later if I felt better. Her response: ‘Would you mind if I ate it?’ You would think this person hadn’t eaten in a week, as she proceeded to devour my dinner as well. She ate both steaks, both sets of mashed potatoes, all the bread, everything. The waitress comes over and says “Goodness. When is your due date?’ So she says that she is due in 2 months. WTF?!?!? First off, I couldn’t believe the waitress asked, but then was floored at the girl’s response.

After I paid for dinner, I kindly said it was ‘nice to meet you’ got in my car and went to the bar. She followed me. She followed me to the bar, and when I got out of my car proceeded to berate me over why I was going out instead of going home. Now she’s calling me a liar in the parking lot of the bar I frequent, and my work buddies are starting to roll in. I never heard the end of it. I said to hell with this crap, got in my car, and drove the hell home.”

“I’ve been on two blind dates. One ended with me getting hot tea poured deliberately into my lap, and the other one told me her last fling gave her genital warts midway through dinner.”

“I was set up with a friend of my roommate’s girlfriend. Let’s call the date ‘Lisa’ and lets call the roomie’s GF ‘Karen.’ We met outside of the restaurant and Lisa was on her cell phone. I figured it must of been important but as we walked in and waited for the table she kept talking about stupid crap clearly on the phone with a BFF about nonsense. She gets off the phone, doesn’t apologize and we get seated.

About two minutes later her phone rings again and it is the same ‘OMG, no way!’ crap conversations. The waitress comes over and we order drinks while she is still on the phone and I twiddle my thumbs. The drinks come, Lisa is still on the phone … I’m half done with my drink and have waved the waitress off once already because Lisa is still on the phone.

Finally about 20 minutes into it I quietly stand up, take $20 out of my wallet and walk out without saying a word. As I’m walking out I see Lisa’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her mouth open wide and her face turning red in embarrassment (all of the surrounding tables had seen what transpired and were whispering to themselves about it).

By the time I got home, my date Lisa was on the phone with Karen who was over at our house at the time. It didn’t occur to me until now that my date was probably on the phone with Karen the whole time! Karen was pissed. As soon as I walked through the door she started attacking me. I looked her dead in the eyes and calmly said, ‘I didn’t want to interrupt such an important phone call,’ and then walked into my room and went to bed.”

“I got set up with the daughter of one of my parents’ friends. They showed me pictures and said nice things about her. I picked her up from her parents’ place (we were both home from college for the summer) and was a little surprised by how pretty she was. The pictures had been from when she was in high school, and didn’t do her justice. The date was dinner and a movie. Dinner went really well, we had a lot in common, she was very grounded and down-to-earth, cared about the environment. If I have a type, she was it. So as we’re walking to the movie theater, I slipped my arm around her waist. She pushed me away and got all serious. ‘I’m really sorry, because you seem like a nice guy, but … I’m a lesbian. I just went out with you to make my parents happy.’ Sitting through The Chronicles of Narnia with her was the most awkward two hours of my life.”

“I went on a blind date with the investment banker son of one of my mother’s friends. One of her attempts at finding me a respectable boy from a good family. So, that night he calls to ask if I could pick him up instead since his car broke down. I thought ‘no problem’ and asked where he lived. The guy was staying at a buddy’s place an hour from my house. Ugh. But still no problem, I thought.

I pick the guy up and he’s not all bad. A little on the short side, but he has a cute face and seems fit. So we get to the restaurant and order. He gets a few drinks in him and we have a conversation about jobs/stuff/blah blah but then it arrived at who we admired. His answer? Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, just, ya know, without the killing and stuff. He said he admired the character and aspired to live that kind of life (without the killing, of course). DING DING DING the alarm bells were going off in my head. So trying to change the subject, I mention the frat that he was in (we both went to the same university) and that I knew some of the guys. He then proceeds to tell me that, yeah all his friends were just vehicles for him to get ahead in life and that he didn’t really like any of them.

Then comes the check. He forgot his wallet. So I paid. Just awesome. On the way back to the garage we pass by an alley and he leans in and whispers into my ear and says, ‘You’re f—ing hot and I want to f— you behind that pile of garbage’ and he LICKS MY EAR! Waaaaaaaah! Do Not Want! I tell him the night is over, gave him some money, and said that he could take the public transportation home.”

“I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet her anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally into me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively shat myself. The odor was immediate. I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great. I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home. The humiliating date was nothing compared to the horror of the following three weeks recovering from E-coli.”

“A friend I had recently met set me up with her friend Gary. I meet him for coffee downtown. We have an okay time over coffee, talking about regular random small talk topics. He walks me back to my place, but the night is still young and he suggests hanging out and watching some Futurama, so I invite him up. As soon as we are sitting down, he starts talking about his ex and all the drama she brought into his life, and it slowly comes to light that they may not be actually broken up, he is just ‘seeing what else is out there.’ Hmm. At this point, I’m more than over the date and ready for him to get out of my apartment – so I go to the restroom and plan on feigning illness upon my return. I return from the bathroom only to find him on my couch, masturbating furiously. I freak out, ask him what he is doing, and he says ‘What does it look like?’ and makes a motion for me to come join him. I was kind of at a loss at this point, and I think all I did was say something about how he needs to leave – he removes his hand from inside his pants (did I mention he was wearing sweat pants? ick), shrugs, and exits. I never heard from him OR the woman who introduced me to him again.”

“I went on a blind date with this guy who seemed really sweet. We went out to a really classy dinner. The food was great, the atmosphere was fantastic but at the end of the main course, he whipped out his phone and started showing me pictures he’d taken of his d—. Like different angles, lighting, dynamic effects I rode with him to the restaurant, so I had to sit next to him on the ride home and fight the urge to fling the door open and tuck ‘n roll.”

“First, he insists on opening doors for me. Not like, the car door as I enter or a building door – that would have been OK. But everything. When we pulled up to the movie theater, I tried to exit the car. Instead he yelled ‘NO NO!’ and ran out of the car and to the passenger side, pushed the door closed and then opened it again.

He took me to see Exit Wounds. Again, he made a scene at the box office when I said I’d pay for my own ticket. I had told him before that I thought first dates should be dutch so that no one feels any undue pressure but he actually pushed me out of the way, so he could pay for our tickets. After the movie, he asked if I wanted to go get coffee and dessert. I told him I had to get home. On the way home, he told me that he’d be really happy if I came to church with him on Sunday so I could meet his family.”

“I was about 21. This college girl, who otherwise was a pretty and smart girl, showed up with her little brother. He was about 17, with a peach fuzz ‘stache. He had on a [tank top] and looked like a little thug. We were going out to the movies and he tagged along. He sat between us. I thought I was being set up by those candid camera shows. Such a f—ing joke. To make matters worse, we had gone to see The Flintstones. Horrible experience all around.”

“I once had a blind date walk into the restaurant wearing a niqab. She was not Muslim, but wanted us to have a conversation without me knowing what she looked like. Kind of a WTF moment or something out of a tv show, but I saw her point. I ended up disliking her based on her personality.”

“This was 1993. He took me out for dinner and a movie. We saw Schindler’s List at the dollar theater. No lie. His choice. Afterwards, he told me he didn’t believe the Holocaust happened. Dinner was at Burger King. My meal of chicken tenders and small fries cost under $4 at the time. Afterwards, I bid him good evening and he complained that I didn’t put out because he bought me dinner. Hell, even if I did it for a living I’d charge more than $4. I didn’t stick around to go watch Apollo 13 and find out if he thought the moon landing was faked, and perhaps eventually barter my favors for an entire extra value meal. My self-esteem in college was low, but not that low.”

“I was set up on my first blind date by a friend who swore up and down that this guy was perfect for me. I asked her if he knew that I am basically a very geeky goth and she said he had a thing for goth girls.

Get to the restaurant and have a decent appetizer, talking about generic things like school, movies and books and the server came by and took our orders and when she left, he clapped his hands together and said, ‘Well I guess we should get this out of the way. If we’re going to date, there’s a few things you need to do.’ He was not joking, he genuinely wanted me to do the following:
1. Lose weight (I’m 5’8 and 145lbs)
2. Dye my hair brown (my hair was pink and black)
3. Get a tan (I’m white as a fish belly)
4. Dress in the clothing he picked out (he told me he had excellent taste)p
5. Remove all my piercings (I had 17)
6. No more tattoos (I had 2)
7. My nail polish had to be ‘normal’ (no black, green or blue)
8. I would not be ‘allowed’ to play video games, watch horror movies or read comics (because girls don’t do that)
9. Different jewelry (no more bats).
I remember hearing all of what he was saying and just thinking ‘This is a joke. A tv host will jump out and tell me I’m on a joke show.’ That never happened. People near us overheard this and began craning their necks, trying to look at me and see what was so ‘awful.’ He ticked off all the things I needed to change and then sat back, smiled and asked when I would be able to get started. The server came back with our meals and I have a lovely plate of pasta in front of me. I don’t know what got in my head, but I picked up my plate and dumped it into his lap.”

“I was supposed to meet this woman, Mary. I got to the designated spot 20 minutes early. No one for a while. About 15 minutes after I was supposed to meet her, a woman walks by. ‘Are you Mary?’ I asked her. ‘Are you [my name]?’ she asked me. ‘Yes I am.’ ‘I’m not Mary.'”

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