11 Times Amy Schumer Got Really Real About Dating
ON THE DOWNSIDES OF BEING SINGLE
"I'm so annoyed I'm single again. That means I'm going to have to go out with a new dude, and we'll go to the movies, and he'll be like 'Do you wanna get a popcorn?' and I'll be like 'Oh my god, I hadn't even thought about it ... That's not the whole reason I wanted to come see this piece of s--- movie.' I've left so many movies right after the previews because I finished my popcorn."
ON DATING YOUR FRIENDS
"I usually date my friends, like people that I'm close to already. And then we kind of try dating, and that's hard. It's not good to date your friends, I don't think."
ON THE PERILS OF ONLINE DATING
"I never dated online. I never went on an online date. I don't know. It just seems like so much rejection. It seems really hard, scary. I feel like you can't do that."
ON OUTGROWING HER LOVE OF BAD BOYS
"I think when I turned 30 [is when I started to get wise about bad boys]. I was like, this is not good for anybody. It's fun at first though!"
ON FEELING DESIRABLE
"I said to the room, 'I'm 160 pounds and I can have sex with someone, I can get male attention and I don't have to look like all of these girls.' Women can be comfortable in their own skin and be beautiful, healthy and desirable."
ON HOOKING UP
"Do what you feel you want to do while also considering how you'll feel the next day."
ON MAKING SURE YOU GET YOURS
"Don't not have an orgasm. Make sure he knows that you're entitled to an orgasm. I like to say it. I'll be like, 'Hey, there are two people here.' I'll be like, 'Oh my God, have you met my c---?' Don't be self-conscious."
ON FALLING IN LOVE
"It's like being on drugs. It's not even fun falling in love. You don’t remember it until you're going through it and then you're like, 'Why did I ever want to be in love?' It kind of sucks."
ON FINDING LOVE AS YOU GET OLDER
"In your 20s you're like, 'I'm so in love, what are all these songs about heartbreak?' So the tsunami, the tide was way out, so all these fish are flopping around on the shore, and all these people are gathering them up with baskets like 'I can't believe my luck, right? Look at all these fish.' That's 20s love. Then they look up at the wave, and they're like 'Oh s---.' You start aging, 'I didn't know I can get cellulite on my face. What a fun adventure.' "
ON WHAT THE DATING SCENE IS REALLY LIKE
"A lot of people have asked me if I intended to kind of flip the gender roles like I'm playing the guy, and that's not been my experience at all. This is how I am and how a lot of girls are where the guy ends up being a little more sensitive and more invested."
ON FINDING MR. RIGHT
"Everybody I meet and I'm like, 'Yeah, he's cool, but would, like, would I push him in a wheelchair? You know, would I want him to push me?' So, yeah, I go there pretty quick. Other people are like, 'Should we go to Hawaii on vacation?' I'm like, 'Do I want you to change my colostomy bag?'"