Studios will transform any childhood thing into a movie so long as people pay to see it

By Drew Mackie
Updated July 28, 2014 03:45 PM
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With childhood favorites invading theaters left and right – Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Legos and Smurfs, just to name a few – it does seem like studios will transform literally any nostalgic thing into a movie so long as people might pay to see it. That’s the idea behind Literally Everything Else From Your Childhood: The Movie. (Warning: Contains some NSFW language.)

It’s a parody, and it comes from Syfy’s The Wil Wheaton Project, which proclaims, “We believe it’s finally time for the most pandering nostalgia film of all time!” However, it doesn’t seem all that implausible an idea – we’re already getting a Ouija board movie. So, what products haven’t yet been made into a movie and dangled before the general public with “Hey, you probably remember this!” as an enticement?

Here are your childhood nostalgia leftovers. (Hollywood screenwriters, take note.)

ALF

As big as Gordon Shumway was during his heyday, it’s odd that we haven’t seen an ALF movie yet. At the very least, it would give those of us who remember the ’80s a chance to explain how, yes, this was actually a show that people actually watched, and no one seemed to think the premise was all that strange at the time.

Teddy Ruxpin

Upon reviewing a few commercials that show “the story-telling bear” in action, you have to wonder if his eerily vacant gaze would make him a better candidate than the Ouija board for the toy-to-scary-movie treatment. Ditto all that for Furby.

Trapper Keepers

I mean, what are they hiding? Why are they so secretive? Trapper Keepers: The Movie basically writes itself.

Cap’n OG Readmore

Looking back on his pro-literacy commercials, it’s clear that this inexplicably nautical cat really loves reading. Like, really really. Like, he may have a serious problem. In fact, that might be the dramatic hook, but such levels of enthusiasm aren’t natural, even for reading.

Tamagotchi

Anyone who remembers the heartache of permanent, irreversible Tamagotchi death could surely imagine the life lessons taught by a Tamogotchi movie. “It’s like My Girl but with more beeping.”

Wil Wheaton

Wesley Crusher! It helps that the Star Trek alum host of The Wil Wheaton Project happens to be a nostalgic holdover from the ’80s himself. But thanks to cornering the market in nerdery and pop culture savvy, Wheaton is a bigger deal now than ever. Wait, maybe those other ideas aren’t so bad. An ALF-Wheaton buddies-on-a-road trip flick, anyone?

Floam

Okay, yes, some products would just generate inherently terrible movies. But that’s never stopped anyone before …

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