If you were looking for an excuse to stay in bed and re-watch all of The Good Wife instead of going on a first date with that guy you’ve been talking to on Tinder well, we have all the excuses you need. Twelve of them, to be precise.
Here are 12 first-date horror stories that reaffirm our belief that our connection with our cats and strangers’ dogs we pass on the sidewalk is the only thing that matters in this world.
“He invited me over for a movie night. I got to his apartment door and saw that it was slightly open, but I knocked anyway. He said to just come on in. I walked into a completely dark apartment with nothing but candle light. I hear water, glance over to the bathroom that is directly next to the entrance and see him in the tub naked. He invites me to join him.”
“The date was ending. I got in my car after saying bye, looked over and saw that he had his weiner out and was stroking it.”
“I showed up for an Internet-based date. She shows up with a dude. She expected me to pay for them both to eat and drink for the evening.”
“A childhood friend of mine asked me to go to dinner after we ran into each other at a party. I thought this would be great as she had gotten pretty cute since last time I’d seen her, and it was all was going well when we were texting. I met her at the restaurant and, to my surprise, there was a middle-aged, business-looking guy there as well. As soon I sat down both of them tried to recruit me to one of those pyramid marketing schemes.”
“I went to the cinema with a school friend. At this point I didn’t even know what it was to be “on a date.” Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to play some games at his place. I said yes. As soon as I walked into his front room I was met with about eight of his family members. He had invited over most of his family to meet me. They all believed I was his girlfriend, and that we had just come back from a date together.”
“I met a guy at the skate park when I was 14. He asked if I’d go out with him the next day. I thought he was gorgeous, and when he said I should dress up, I expected something special. He took me to his little sister’s funeral.”
“He cheated at bar trivia, used Purell on the silverware and got into an altercation with a homeless man on the way out of the bar.”
“He was a lab partner in college. He asked me out; we met for dinner. He locked eyes with me over his salad and told me he thought I was ‘as beautiful as Hitler’s niece.’
“We ate a 30-minute dinner at the Macaroni Grill. Then we went to Petsmart, and I followed her around the horse feed section. The total date time: 45 minutes.”
“The date was dinner and a movie with a girl. We got the movie time wrong, so we went to dinner first. After ordering she starts looking at her phone a lot and has this weird look on her face. I ask what was wrong and she says her cat has gone missing. She goes outside to make a phone call and comes back 5 minutes later saying we have to go. I get our food boxed and pay the bill. I drive her back to her dorm, and she runs inside with no good-bye. I shrug it off and go eat my cold boxed dinner. Later that night, I check Facebook and see her on a date with another guy. I send her a message asking how her cat is.”
“My date lied about her age. It turns out she didn’t have her license, and her parents ended up driving her there and stayed for the meal. I ended up meeting the parents on the first date with my date. I got a free meal out of it, so it wasn’t all bad.”
“I went out with this girl who was confused by an ice cream cone. She looked over at me, cone in hand, and said ‘What do I do with this?’ ‘Eat it.’ ‘How?’ ‘Do you want a spoon?’ ‘That won’t help.’ ‘Just lick it.’ ‘Like a dog?’ ‘Well…sort of.’ ‘No.'”