November 09, 2016 02:50 PM

Dads, your secrets are safe with us. Well, sort of.

Here are 11 stories that fathers definitely will not be telling Mom … though they will post them on Reddit for comedic value.

1. “I brought my sons, five and 10, to the circus in Las Vegas for a weekend. I lost the younger one for a full five minutes at one point. Scariest five minutes of my life, and Mom never heard about it.”

2. “My mum went on a relaxing ‘ladies only’ holiday with her friends for two weeks when my brother and I were five and eight, respectively. Two hours after we waved goodbye to her at the airport, my brother managed to drop an entire drawer on his foot and severe his entire little toe. The doctors weren’t sure if they could save it, but they succeeded. By the time mum got home, my brother had a bandage around his toe and as far as he was concerned he’d just had an ‘owie.’ I don’t think she found out until about 10 years later when my brother said, ‘Hey, remember when I almost lost my toe while mum was on holiday lol’ —  that was a memorable family dinner, to say the least.”

3. “When I was a kid, my dad would mow the lawn and then sneak up to the local dive bar and have a beer before my mom noticed he was done. I grew up in a town of roughly 1,200 people and the bar was two blocks away so it was totally feasible. My dad used to bring me with him, bribe my silence with a $1 bag of peanuts and a can of Mountain Dew. My mom always knew because I’d slip up about the peanuts a day or two later.”


4. “When I was about five years old, I was playing hide-and-seek with my mom and dad. My dad would pick a spot for me to hide, and mom would come looking. He decided mom would never find me if he opened the window and put me out onto the roof of the balcony a floor below us (three-story apartment house).”

5. “My oldest caught me being the tooth fairy. She agreed that telling mom or her brother might ruin it for them more. She still gets her silver dollar if she loses a tooth; I just don’t have to be such a ninja to give it to her.”

6. “At 16, my parents helped me get a car; the keys to freedom were, per Dad: No tickets, pay my own gas and maintenance. Per Mom: Home by curfew. After a few close calls/negotiating a few extra minutes with upset Mom, Dad recommends I call him if I’m cutting it close. From then on, I’d call Dad, and he’d tell Mom that he would wait up, aka fall asleep on the couch. This was a two-birds-one-stone deal. He got parenting cred from Mom (“Go on to bed, honey”) and a good night’s nap in the Lazyboy until I drifted home. Miss you, Dad.”

7. “My wife or I will write notes and put them in our nine-year-old son’s lunch box most days. One day, my wife’s note was found by a boy named Max in my son’s class and read aloud to his table. Needless to say, my son came home quite embarrassed. Since I’m currently unemployed, I went to have lunch with my son at school the next day. Toward the end of lunch, he points the boy out to me. We have always preached turning the other cheek, telling the teacher, etc, but something about this kid’s face made all those teachings fly out of window. I told my son, ‘Now listen, I’m going to tell you something you can say to him, but you cannot tell your mother.’ My son replies that he’ll keep our secret, so I give him a pretty mild burn and tell him to use it discretely. Fast forward to that evening and my wife is signing the daily conduct sheet upon which is written: ‘Your son came into the classroom after lunch and yelled to the entire class that Max’s mother doesn’t send him notes because she doesn’t love him.’ He didn’t rat me out to the teacher, but I fell on the sword for him at home.”


8. “You know those noise-maker gunpowder bangy things? I explained to my daughter that you can put them in your hand and headbutt them to make them explode. We went through an entire packet of them that day …”

9. “One night I was enjoying a small bit of ice cream after my four-year-old daughter went to bed. She came downstairs and ‘caught’ me. So I offered her a small bite, but since she was supposed to be in bed, I said, ‘Don’t tell Mom.’ She assured me she wouldn’t. My wife wouldn’t have cared anyway, but it was a fun little game to play. After she went up to bed and I was down on the couch, she snuck in to the master bedroom where Mom was resting. She told Mom that I had let her have some ice cream, and she was afraid of ‘sugar bugs,’ so could she please brush her teeth again. My wife just laughed at me the next day. Little s— ratted me out to brush her teeth, something she doesn’t like doing anyway!”

10. “When I was 10 years old, my dad came to my school before noon and told the principal that I had a doctor’s appointment. I had no idea he was coming at all, and seeing him in my class was a bit of a shock. We ended up going to a baseball game for the whole afternoon. My mom was out of town for a couple of days, and my dad told me to never tell her that he got me to play hooky from school.”


11. “I was once a resourceful young lad and would ride bikes with a friend to the recycle center behind some stores. We would jump in the magazines bin and pull out, well, anything with pictures of girls. Sometimes we sold them to our middle school peers, and as fate would have it, some kid ratted me out when he got caught with it. My mom launched an all-out search for the pornos. She found somewhere near 200 (about 50 percent of the loot). They were all on the dining room table when I got home from school. A couple hours later, I get yelled at by both parents, grounded for a month, no TV, no phone, no friends, etc. When I wouldn’t give up the names of kids I sold to, I got an extra month of restrictions. The next night I found a Playboy under my pillow with a post it note that said, ‘200 is excessive, but so is two months restriction to your room. Here is one. Hide it better and don’t tell your mother.'”

All posts have been edited from Reddit for length and clarity.

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