Kelly Osbourne may be America’s purple-haired style guru, but she’s also received unglamorous attention for her drug and alcohol abuse. In her new memoir, There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters From a Badass Bitch, the TV host delves into her painful past — including her three-day commitment to a mental institution.
“Mum once locked me in a mental institution for three days, and it scared the hell out of me. … I had to wear paper shoes, since I could potentially kill myself with a shoelace, and wasn’t allowed to have anything metal, not even a spoon,” she writes in her book, released on Tuesday. “I wasn’t suicidal by medical standards, but I heard Mum’s message loud and clear: stop using drugs before I was gone for good.”
Osbourne first encountered drugs was when she was 13 years old, she told PEOPLE in a 2009 interview, when she gained access to liquid Vicodin after she had her tonsils removed.
“I found, when I take this, people like me. I’m having fun, I’m not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing,” she said.
According to the 32-year-old, her drug use became the heaviest during her mother’s cancer battle and after her father, “Crazy Train” singer Ozzy Osbourne, almost died because of an ATV accident in 2003.
In There Is No F*cking Secret, she recalls arriving at the hospital immediately after the accident. She watched as the doctors performed a procedure that involved “flushing” of blood.
“From my hips down, I felt warm … I didn’t realize it right away, but the warmth I was feeling was actually my father’s blood. I started to scream as the nurses shoved me out of the way,” she writes. “He flatlined in front of me.”
While both of her parents survived their separate ordeals, Kelly was badly affected.
“The only way I could even face my life was by opening that pill bottle, shaking out a few pills — or a handful — into my palm, and throwing them down my throat,” she writes.
She describes herself as a “trash can” user (“someone who’d do anything and everything”). According to Kelly, the only drug she never used was crack.
Of all of her antics while high, one stands out the most. She thought it’d be amusing to “slip MDMA into [her friend’s] drink without his knowledge.”
“Today the thought makes my skin crawl…” she writes. “The only thing that saved our friendship after my severe lapse in judgment was that when the drugs kicked in, Omar interpreted the strange feelings he was having to a urinary tract infection. When he came down, even he thought it was so funny that he forgave me.”
Her battle for sobriety lasted for six years. It included four visits to rehab, six detoxes and one visit to a mental institution. (Her journey was much longer than it was for her brother, Jack, who recovered from his drug addiction after one visit to rehab.)
According to Kelly, the trip to the mental institution scared her the most. But even that wasn’t enough.
While she was sober for awhile, she writes that when she returned to L.A., she dove back into drugs and became suicidal (“Every day, I was taking more and more pills, hoping that I wouldn’t wake up,” she writes).
“I couldn’t see into tomorrow. I was using anything to make me sleep through the day. I got really into smoking pot. My only relationship was with the pizza delivery guy,” she told PEOPLE in 2009. “It sounds funny in retrospect, but it’s not funny that I hated myself like that.”
Now sober for years, her book is a series of essays about body issues, her friendships (including her relationship with Joan Rivers), fashion and dating, while taking a candid and humorous look at the lessons she’s learned from her family and the difficulties she’s faced. She refuses to blame her childhood for her drug problems, even though her father has had his own long-standing battle with drugs and alcohol.
“I don’t blame Dad for the fact that I ended up a drug user, nor do I blame growing up in the public eye. For me, drugs were a coping mechanism that also fueled my self destruction,” she writes.
“Now, I manage pain through creativity, friendship and self-care,” she concludes towards the end of a chapter called “Dear Rehab.”
“The crazier my life gets, the more focused I become on the things that make me feel good,” she writes.