In the era of mommy blogs and debates about the best ways to give birth, there isn’t much space for imperfect mothers and their crazy kids. Enter moms Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee, the creators of The Pump and Dump Show.
The comedic duo just released their first book, Parentally Incorrect: True Tales by Real Moms About the F**ked Up Things Their Kids Have Done, which highlights the best stories submitted by real moms during their interactive show’s “The Most F—ed Up Thing My Kid Has Done” segment. Ferm, 40, and Tee, 41, have traveled the country for more than five years entertaining parents who need a night out (and a night off). They’ve given PEOPLE an exclusive look at some of the funniest (and most cringe-worthy) index cards submitted by moms.
“We created this book so that parents everywhere (moms, specifically) can all share a laugh about the things we all have in common … parenting is messed up and ridiculous and kids can be really f—ed up sometimes,” the stars told PEOPLE. “This book is a collection of true stories from real moms about some pretty crazy s— that’s gone down with their kids.”
Ferm, who has two kids (ages 5 and 7), and Tee, who has one child (age 7), first became friends in eighth grade and went on to pursue separate careers before coming together in their love of comedy. The Pump and Dump Show started at a bar in Denver, Colorado, in 2012, because, as Ferm explained on Megyn Kelly TODAY: “We were in the throes of new parenthood and just were drowning. We felt like moms needed a night out.”
Currently the duo is touring nationwide. The popularity of The Pump and Dump Show is proof that an irreverent show about parenting is just what most moms and dads need to stay sane. Parentally Incorrect is one more way the comedians will help parents celebrate the beautiful insanity that is raising children.
“This book is for every mom who has ever had to clean poop off the wall, had her toilet clogged with 10 boxes of Kleenex, fished dog food out of her toddlers mouth, or witnessed her kid peeing inappropriately in public,” Ferm and Tell explained. “No matter what kind of mom you are, or how well you think you have this parenting thing figured out (or not), we all have kids that do weird things. So basically, we created this book for every mom on the planet.”
See below for some of the funniest/worst/most-mortifying mommy stories ever.
“My daughter ripped a handful of chest hair off my husband [and] fed it to the dog. He threw up. She threw up. He ate her vomit.”
“We rang the doorbell at my sister’s house. I said, ‘Do you see her?’ My daughter said, ‘Yes, here comes the hooker.'”
“We discovered that our 4 year-old-son was peeing in the corners of his room at night. When we asked him why he said, ‘The penis does what it wants to.'”
“My daughter knows the tooth fairy is not real. When I did not leave [money] under the pillow, the next day she demanded more [money] than usual to not tell her little sister.”
“I (mom) recently broke [my] leg and was asking [my] 5-year-old daughter for help. Me: ‘Can you throw this away for me?’ 5 year old: ‘I’m pretty sure your arms aren’t broken.'”
“Pulled a piece of bacon out his mouth at lunch. We had bacon for breakfast.”
“My 6 year old told her teacher that I don’t do anything but drink wine and sleep all day.”
“My son called 911 when I was out in the yard because he thought I wasn’t coming back. The police showed up and everything.”
“My daughter asked Santa for ‘Boobs and a Butler’ last Christmas to my complete horror in front of my mom and in-laws. Awesome.”
Parentally Incorrect is on sale now.