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April 04, 2016 06:20 PM

File this under things you never thought you’d hear: The Brady Bunch‘s Florence Henderson saying the words “bong,” “Xanax” and “pornographic.”

Reading aloud from the new “grown-up picture book” Hurts Like a Mother: A Cautionary Alphabet, by authors Jennifer Weiss and Lauren Franklin, the famously squeaky-clean TV matriarch describes how 26 modern moms are driven to drink, drugs and even death, as she takes listeners on an A-Z journey through the perils of parenting.

The book, due out Tuesday, is a parody of Edward Gorey’s morbid classic The Gashlycrumb Tinies.

The cover for Hurts Like a Mother
Courtesy of Doubleday

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Hurts Like a Mother leans on dark humor to recount child-care-related horror stories like “Coordinating car pools made Dee pop a Xanax,” “Kelly slit her wrist chopping apples for a snack,” and “Ruby died of shame; her son’s text? Pornographic!”

It’s more than enough to make Mrs. Brady blush!

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