Jimmy Kimmel promises the audience can rest easy on Oscars night (except for Matt Damon, his arch-rival in an ongoing and hilarious fictional feud)

Matt Damon, consider yourself forewarned. When Jimmy Kimmel takes the stage on Feb. 26 to host the 89th Academy Awards, he will have his eye on you.

“There is one person about whom I have mixed feelings and that is Matt Damon,” Kimmel tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue of his mock arch-rival.

“He’s nominated, unfairly obviously, for producing. You know he doesn’t produce anything — maybe he produces garbage at home.”

Of course, Damon, nominated as a producer for Manchester by the Sea, has long engaged in a faux-feud with Kimmel and is likely already bracing for a rocky night. Bottom line, says Kimmel: “If he makes the mistake of entering that theater, it will be addressed, let’s put it that way. He should stay home on Oscar night.”

Watch the PEOPLE & EW Red Carpet Live Oscars preshow on Feb. 26 at 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT on the People/Entertainment Weekly Network (PEN). Go to PEOPLE.com/PEN, or download the app on your favorite device. Then watch our Red Carpet Fashion Wrap-Up after the Oscars!

But the rest of the star-studded Oscars crowd can rest easy. Kimmel, who has previously hosted the Emmys and the American Music Awards, says he doesn’t plan to make anybody (else) uncomfortable.

“You have to make the audience laugh,” he says. “That’s the key.”

One surefire source of comedy that looks to be off the table? Kimmel donning his dancing shoes. “Unless someone brings a gun out and forces me to sing and dance like Yosemite Sam, I probably won’t,” he says.

“It will be a relief to all.”

Assuming the hosting gig goes well, Kimmel will hit a few parties after the show. “Unless it’s a disaster,” he says. “Then I’ll go to the hospital. I’ll either go to Vanity Fair or Cedars-Sinai.”

For much more from Kimmel as he prepares for Hollywood’s biggest night, pick up this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands now. The 89th Academy Awards kicks off live on ABC on Sunday, Feb. 26, with a 7 p.m. ET preshow and 8:30 p.m. ceremony.