You will need scissors, tape and a die. Clip and tape these eight essential survival tools for rising stars: a goatee, big latte cup, chic bag, cool shades, hip shoes. Jack Russell terrier, bottled water and hot wheels. Now you’re ready to make it in L.A.
Place your playing piece on Start. The youngest player goes first. The object of the game is to be the first to reach the pinnacle of success: your own celeb theme restaurant chain, X-Factor. Players take turns rolling the die and following directions on the spaces on the board. If you are sent to rehab, follow the road out on your next turn. If you are banished to the Valley, you must roll an even number and then follow the road back—and watch out, it’s a setback. To win the game, you must reach the finish line by an exact roll of the die. Good luck!
Go west, young wannabe! You trade your tiny Greenwich Village walkup for a tiny Venice Beach hovel. Good luck. You’ll need it.
Your first job: an audience member in a Tova Borgnine cosmetics infomerciai It’s a start, says your mom—don’t forget to grab some samples!
You babysit for little Brandon Lee. Who knew Pamela and Tommy subscribe to Reader’s Digest?
You conveniently begin dating your Pilates instructor, whose screenplay, Abs Fab, has just been sold to Miramax. Move ahead one space.
You play the kid on Pearl who doesn’t know when the War of 1812 was fought. Rhea is short and sweet.
How cosmic. You get your chakras aligned next to Lisa Kudrow.
You are a childhood pal and/or girlfriend of director Edward Burns. You had other plans, but now you’re an actor. Roll again.
Like you’re “Crazy” enough to turn down the lead in an Aerosmith video. Zoom ahead one space.
At your local video place, Quentin Tarantino overhears you saying Pulp Fiction gave you nightmares for a year. He asks you to read for the role of quivering victim.
You give free performances of your monologue “Waiting for Good Dough” at the Bob Barker Forum. The price
is right, says Variety. Go directly to rehab.
Congratulations! It’s now Party of Six! Move ahead three.
Arrested on drug charges, you look really silly on TV in prison sandals. Go directly to rehab.
What a jolt! On the way home from your coffee colonic, you bump into Jennifer Aniston, and she asks you who did your hair!
Down at the Bourgeois Pig you perform a dramatically caffeinated reading of your journal. Balthazar Getty is reduced to tears.
Uma Thurman and Richard Gere ask you to help Tibet. Zen yourself ahead one space.
Reading The Zone while on he StairMaster at Gold’s has revolutionized your life. This our-major-food-groups thing is radical.
New clothes? Ick! You have an open account for vintage wear at American Rag. Drew Barrymore offers advice in
the dressing room. You take it. Go back one space.
Yippee, you got into Yale! Young Holly wood East! Scheduling your finals around the People’s Choice Awards, you ask Sara Gilbert for career advice while in line for green Jell-O. Matriculate one space.
You play a hotshot interventionist in Codependents Day, starring I Shannen Doherty and Ashley Hamilton.
You beat out Michael J. Fox for the lead in Oliver Stone’s forthcoming The Trees Have Cell Phones: The Conspiracy Against H. Ross Perot. Advance one space.
You are so huge, you date plebes. Honey, why don’t we find out what Sandra Bullock and that sound guy are doing Friday night?
In Manhattan for meetings, you take time to dance and/or make out with Julia Roberts atop the bar at Hogs &
Heifers. Move ahead two.
Calvin Klein figures it would be easier and more expedient to stage his fashion shows in your living room.
Your dating résumé includes at least two of the following: a Red Hot Chili Pepper, Courtney Love, Stephen Dorffy Parker Posey, Ashley Judd, Matt Dillon, Donovan Leitch and a Beastie Boy. Put the move on two more spaces.
You show off your house and share makeup tips in the pages of INSTYLE. Don’t forget to pose with staffers.
Your Batman codpiece is donated to Planet Hollywood. Arnold accepts.
Kick-boxing for a photo shoot on Venice Beach, you accidentally relieve Leonardo DiCaprio of his teeth. Go to the Valley.
Skeet Ulrich buys you a drink at the Derby. At least you think it’s too dark to know for sure.
Score! You join Jane Leeves, Courteney Cox Arquette and Janeane Garofalo in the hallowed pantheon of Seinfeld TV girlfriends.
Form a rock band, though you can’t tell bass playing from bass fishing. Lose one turn.
In every review of your latest movie, the words “violent” and “sexy” appear in the same sentence. Spend 2 Days (or until you roll an even number) in the Valley.
You flash a private part during a Letterman appearance. Dave shrugs and says, “Eh, send it back.” Three spaces, that is.
During a Wallflowers concert at Luna Park, you explain to Neve Campbell who Jakob Dylan’s dad used to be.
How hot is hot? You’re behind the wheel of a runaway golf cart in Speed III, Zoom up two.
You’re let immediately into the Dragonfly while Samantha Mathis waits in line. Roll again.
Detour wants you for the cover of their “Back from the Dead” issue.
Will Smith gets a ticket for jaywalking, so you inherit his title as Nicest Guy in Hollywood. (He keeps Jada Pinkktt.)
Dean Cain agrees to come to your 6-year-old nephew’s party in his Superman costume. Advance one.
You are scheduled for PEOPLE’S 50 Most Beautiful…but get bumped for Carolyn Bessette. Go to the Valley.
Make a movie based on any book written more than 150 years ago. Advance two.
Quentin calls!!! Forget quivering victim. Soon you’ll be pumping bullets into 139 people in his remake of Love Story!!!
Vowing to find a good tax shelter, you join with Brad Pitt, Claire Danes, Matthew McConaughey, Ethan Hawke and the entire Arquette family to foist upon the world a new restaurant chain, dedicated to the proposition that you have what others don’t: X-Factor.