September 26, 1988 12:00 PM

Billed as offering visual excerpts from The Complete Crystal Guidebook, this 50-minute tape is an exercise in foolishness. Meet Uma and Ramana Das Silbey of Marin County, Calif., and their assortment of quartz crystals. Uma is described as a “multifaceted artist-teacher who works with jewelry design and music.” Her husband, Ramana, who is music editor of the Yoga Journal, has “recorded new and dynamic forms of music since 1970.” Uma does most of the talking and witchlike hand waving, while Ramana sits swami fashion with a placid, crocodilian look and orchestrates the Tibetan bells, tincshas and singing bowls (don’t expect Swanee). We are informed that “crystals help you discover there is a truth inside you and…there’s no end to this truth. It just like flows on and on.” Here’s how to program your crystal: “You want to feel happy,” says Uma, “so you visualize a sun and, while holding that image in your mind’s eye, feel what it feels like to be light and happy. Think of a tone that best replicates that feeling of the yellow sunny happiness…ahhhhhhhh. Use your breath to empower your intentions” (though preferably not after wolfing down an onion chili dog). There is much chatter about astral bodies and chakras (the seven energy systems that relate to parts of the body) and lots of wacky instructions like “pull the sky energy into the head…inhale through the top of the head and the bottom of the feet” until you begin to feel that at any moment Ed McMahon is going to pop out and declare that you are the winner of a practical joke in the sweepstakes. Ha. Ha. Ha. (Uma Silbey, $39.95; 800-654-9357)

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