ABC (Sunday, April 1, 9 p.m. ET)
It would be another A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, but it’s not funny. It would be another The Bible, but it’s not nearly as powerful. It would be another Cleopatra, but it’s not nearly as sexy. Instead, it’s more like a video version of a children’s picture Bible. In brief: Macho boy with long hair (Antony Hamilton as Samson) meets girl (Belinda Bauer as Delilah) and delivers the world’s greatest pickup line: “God has led me to your door.” He kills a lion to impress her (that’s what men did to wow women before there were sports cars). They get to know each other, in a biblical sense. He leaves her (with a great Dear Jane line: “Tell the harlot that I love her”) and goes to the desert. He soon returns and she admires his tan. She cuts his hair (and does a nice job of it; Samson by Sassoon). He turns wimp. Bad guy Max von Sydow burns Samson’s eyes, making him look like a Doonesbury character. Then Samson gets revenge. Hamilton and Bauer make a hot couple (as you can see on page 63). But every time they start to steam up the screen, they ruin it by opening their mouths with the script’s stilted and dull dialogue. The book is better.