ABC (Tues.-Thurs., Nov. 10-12, 9 p.m. ET)
Lots of folks meet their Waterloos here—everybody, in fact, except Napoleon himself, whose TV saga ends before he can get to his last infamous battle and defeat. When this insufferable six-hour mini finally ends, Napoleon just gets up from Josephine’s deathbed and says, “I gotta go.” What an exit. But there’s still plenty of blood left on the ground—from Jacqueline Bisset, who plays Josephine with more cleavage than talent; from Armand Assante, who as Napoleon is forced to strut around in a puny suit of red velvet; from Anthony Perkins, who plays the statesman Talleyrand like an old jalopy with a burnt-out clutch; and mostly from David (Roots) Wolper, who produced this gooey mess. Wolper also produced North and South Parts I-to-Infinity, and the similarities are striking: bosoms busting out all over, big battle scenes and ridiculously stilted writing (“Your brother has been made a general,” shouts Napoleon’s mom. “Kill the rooster!”). Napoleon and Josephine has more hours than IQ.