October 23, 2000 12:00 PM

Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine

Jack Carter (Stallone) beats up people for a living as an enforcer for a Las Vegas Mob boss. He has come to Seattle for the funeral of his estranged brother, who was killed driving drunk. But when Carter hears that his brother didn’t drink, he suspects foul play and starts nosing around. The brother’s boss (Caine) asks Carter, “Where is this going?”

Excellent question. Nowhere worth visiting is the answer. Get Carter is a clueless remake of a 1971 British cult film of the same name (in which Caine played Stallone’s role) and so boringly bad one exits the theater muttering, “That’s two hours of my life I’m never getting back.” The revenge plot is standard, supporting turns by Alan Cumming and Mickey Rourke are overripe, and the film is shot at extreme angles and in bleached-out color, as if visual tricks will make up for the wan story and dialogue. Stallone, back for the first time since 1997’s Cop Land, now sports shiny silk suits and a goatee, but his acting talent is still rocky at best. (R)

Bottom Line: Get gone

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