SUMMER MOVIE AWARDS!
MOST AWESOME SUPERHEROES
The Avengers had Iron Man, Captain America and a script that pumped energy, vitality and fun into the franchise. The other superhero movies had a rehashed teenage web-slinger and a depressed bat. That’s not even close to a fair fight.
Sweaty, shirtless and singing his heart out, Tom Cruise was divinely shameless in Rock of Ages, asking us to pour some sugar on him, then writhing around like we got it in the wrong spots.
WORST HAM: Nice job, Sacha Baron Cohen (The Dictator), this award was Adam Sandler’s to lose.
BEST DEVIOUS DAMES
Tough, slinky and sporting costumes to die for, Anne Hathaway (The Dark Knight Rises) and Charlize Theron (Snow White and the Huntsman) were such fiendishly effective bad girls, they stole their movies (along with assorted kingdoms and jewels).
The script for The Amazing Spider-Man was reheated leftovers, but real-life pair Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield make young love look like something they invented. Is it too much to ask for them to do every movie together from now on? Sign my petition!
WORST COUPLE: Seeking a Friend for the End of the World didn’t make the case that Steve Carell and Keira Knightley could realistically be neighbors, much less lovers.
BEST ‘WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?’
Hushpuppy (Quvenzhane Wallis) torches a house and sails the bayou in the genius Beasts of the Southern Wild. I don’t get her, but I’d totally party with her.
WORST ‘WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?’: All the words in Cosmopolis are in English, so it must be that they’re in the wrong order.
Moonrise Kingdom’s Kara Hayward and Jared Gilman aren’t cutesy cherubs. They play kids who know that childhood is nasty, brutish and short, and, dang it, they’ll live-and love-come heck or high water. Extra points for camping skills and some of summer’s sweetest smooches.
THE ‘IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT’ AWARD
What does a likable hottie have to do to catch a break? Poor Taylor Kitsch. Critics (like me) sunk his Battleship, slew Savages and couldn’t find life on Mars in John Carter. Still, I can’t cry too much for him-he gets to wake up looking like that every day.
BEST BEAR MOVIE
I’d rather watch Ted, an unapologetically raunchy comedy about a stuffed bear who treats women like animals …
WORST BEAR MOVIE: … than Brave, a supposedly feminist movie that turns a woman into an animal.
ONE-MAN HEAT WAVE AWARD
Channing Tatum is the only star in Magic Mike-a dry treatise on the commodification of youth-who realizes the movie is supposed to be sexy. Bless you, stripper extraordinaire, for keeping things tawdry. I abs-solutely approve.
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