They Should Settle for 14
“Women’s libbers are such bloody fools,” wails Barbara (Love Leaves at Midnight) Cartland, 76, prolific queen of passionate pulp (235 titles in print, 80 million copies sold). “Equal pay is one thing—I’m all for it. But you can’t have equal sex. One partner’s got to dominate, and what women’s lib seems to forget is that men have to be aroused. Literally. Women can’t just lie back and think of England.” (That patriotic advice was popular in Victorian times.) Adds Barbara: “If a woman’s going to leap into the bedroom, waving a sex manual and demanding 15 orgasms every five minutes, men are going to lose their pride and confidence.” Not to mention sleep.
He made his film debut as the baby Marie Dressier clutched to her heart in Charlie Chaplin’s classic Tillie’s Punctured Romance. Sixty-four years later Milton Berle, 70, suggests an alternate route to success. “The best way a new comic can start is to have funny bones.” But seriously, folks—really seriously—”the best way, whether it’s a George Carlin or a J.J. Walker, is to be put in a sitcom.” So why has Walker’s career of late been less than Dyn-o-Mite? “I saw him at the Comedy Store in L.A.,” sniffs Uncle Miltie, not one to walk softly on someone else’s shtik. “His standup routine was no good.”
“Take Marilyn Monroe—now she was all woman. She had curves in places other women don’t even have places.” That from actress Cybill Shepherd, 28, whose ideas on beauty may be as ancient as her clichés. Cybill rates herself “only average,” but is harsher on current box office distractions—and successful rivals—Bergen, MacGraw and Dunaway. “They don’t look like women, if you know what I mean. They’re so damned frightened of being sexy or voluptuous, in case they offend the feminist movement, that they’ve removed the curves from their bodies to look like slim boys.” Why, Cybill assesses, “There isn’t a decent breast or bottom among them.”
On ABC’s Having Babies, Susan (Dr. Julie Farr) Sullivan strives to calm her gravid patients. But at off-screen soirees Sullivan, 30, whose previous turn was in Rich Man, Poor Man, is inducing anxieties with her latest icebreaker. “I’ll approach a man and ask him if he’s ever been to bed with another man,” Sullivan giggles. The replies, needless to say, are usually pregnant silences.
Magical Mystery Tour
“It’s weird—I hadn’t performed live except for that one piece for George in Bangladesh.” Now the experience of taping two songs live for his NBC special in April has Beatle emeritus Ringo Starr, 37, talking about touring with his Roadside Attraction Band (“I thought of calling it Wings, but that was already taken”). As for the special—a rock’n’roll adaptation of The Prince and the Pauper—it features an eclectic cast of George Harrison, Vincent Price, Carrie (Star Wars) Fisher (“She’s like a young Cher”) and Ringo playing two parts: a rock star “prince” and the “pauper,” named Ognir Rrats, a seller of maps to find the stars’ homes. The latter handle, natch, is Ringo’s own spelled backward.
•Retirement means so many new (and unwanted) offers besieging diva Beverly Sills that her husband Peter Greenough has given her the perfect off-the-cuff rebuff. Beverly now wears a gold bracelet charm that spells out: “I’ve done that.”
•No one’s calling her a “sole sister” yet, but Tina Turner is plainly out ahead in the fashion footrace. Stopping by a posh bootery on Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive, Tina took a shine to Maud Frizon’s Italian flats. So she bought 125 pairs.
•Novelist Sidney Sheldon can write about the jet set, but can’t handle jet lag. He got so discombobulated doing the talk show grind for his No. 1 best-seller Bloodline that “when I rushed into Detroit I asked the driver to point out any auto factories we might pass. He just looked at me and said, ‘This is Pittsburgh.’ ”