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The Hills’ Five Cattiest Moments

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These moments gave fans something to purr about during last night’s episode of The Hills, which featured several d j vu situations, Audrina moving on, a raucous surprise birthday party for Brody and a weekly fix of cuteness courtesy of Enzo, the obvious attempt by producers to ruin Spencer’s sex life. – Carrie Bell

WHIP IT: Kristin and Stacie shopped the Hustler store for Brody’s gift. On the surface, a nice gesture, but the whip and collar (which by Hollywood rules had to match) were a jab at his p-whipped status. KC also blabbed that her sexual exploits with Brody were “vanilla” with a side of eye roll. Stacie suggested she get chaps because “bad boys like the dominatrix stuff” and KC timidly admitted her feelings for resident bad boy, Justin-Bobby. After he used her for her beachfront rental to get his surf on (Where was that Great White that’s been recently taunting Malibu when you need him?), insinuated she was drinking too early, picked his nose and inspected it and made fun of her plan to add two star tattoos to her foot, she asked him to be her date to Brody’s and he accepted. For the record, Jayde did not seem to appreciate the gift or the thought behind it but her beau immediately made plans to “get freaky” later that day to alleviate the boredom that comes from “getting deep in the relationship.” CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: Audrina told Stephanie over pedicures at Recess that she was ready to get back on the scene and planned to start by having lunch with Derek. She claimed his fears about them hooking up didn’t have any weight, but she seemed to admit they had kissed. Steph, who looked a mess of too much turquoise under-eye liner, enhanced lips and emaciation, tried to make sure she wasn’t accepting the invite just to anger her ex or getting mixed up with yet another disappointing commitment-phobe. Audrina assured, “No. I know what I want now.” Viewers only got to see the drive-time part of the outing but he still had enough time to inquire about JB. Quickest way to deflate a date? Mention the ex. Everyone except Derek, apparently, know this.

IN THE FACE: A water balloon fight broke out at Brody’s birthday, planned by Jayde (And boy, did she want gratitude in return!), and Frankie let one fly that landed squarely on KC’s face and “hurt like a bitch.” (Clearly karma is real!) She reacted loudly and used it to gain attention. Jayde got annoyed when Brody consoled KC and his mom made it clear she was on Team Kristin. When Brody mentioned that JB was her man, mom declared him not good enough. “He’d be lucky to be her man. This is my girl.”

PARTY FOUL: JB never showed and while KC put on a brave face whenever anyone inquired, it was obvious she was distraught by the stand-up. She later admitted to Steph (who was suddenly buddy-buddy with her) that she would not stand for his crap the way Audrina did. “I’m not going to put up with it or wait around for him. I don’t have time. Strike one.” When Steph reported back, Audrina relished the bad news. “Doesn’t surprise me.” To help KC get over it, she threw an after-party. Jayde didn’t want to go and suggested she and her man get dinner and a breather in before party-hopping. When she didn’t get her way, she stomped off. He called her a bitch, ignored her exiting, went to KC’s and dissected the “bummer” with Jayde. “I love her to death but love is a horrible thing when it goes wrong. This is the kind of thing that ends a relationship,” he whined.

BABY TALK: Heidi’s family planning still had Spencer reeling, He admitted to Charlie while golfing: “I never would have gotten married if I thought the second we got married it was kid time. I’m gonna get my tubes tied tomorrow. I never thought I’d have a wife wanting to have kids before 30.” Almost on cue, Enzo the adorable sneaks through the gate, wanting to play with the big boys who meanly offered to let him retrieve balls from the dangerous hillside or play hide-and-seek with a 2,000 count. Heidi tried to make headway over dinner at Hokusai. “At my age, my mom had a kid and one on the way. You know what you married into. Don’t pretend you didn’t. I want a bigger family.” When Spencer said he didn’t, she assured him, “Yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.” (Judging on the hat alone, she should just say no to breeding with him period.

TELL US: Do you think Jayde and Brody are headed for splitsville? Should KC pursue him? — Carrie Bell