On Thursday’s episode of The Late Show, the comedian used his opening monologue to address president-elect Donald Trump‘s Thursday meeting with President Barack Obama at the White House, to skewer the politicians rumored to be joining Trump’s cabinet, and last but not least, to poke fun at Trump’s purported list of “enemies.”
“Donald Trump is really going to be the next president,” said Colbert, 52. “For a while I was poking myself with a straight pin to try to wake up from this, but now I just keep doing it to feel something. It’s so real that Trump is now receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as ‘the book,’ making it the only book he owns that doesn’t have his picture on it.”
“Today the transfer of power began when President Obama hosted Trump at the White House for the most surprising remake of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,” he quipped, before launching into a lengthy analysis of how uncomfortable the sit-down between the two men might have been.
“Can you imagine? Just put yourself in room, in that private room when they were together. Can you imagine? Awkward!” said Colbert. “The first African-American president sitting down with a president-elect who was endorsed by the Klan. A guy who spent five years, created his political career, demanding Obama prove where he was born, then denying he did it.”
“What did they talk about? What was the tour like?” continued Colbert. ” ‘Alright, Donald, this is the Blue Room. This is the Red Room. Down that hall is the office I said you were fundamentally unfit for.’ ”
Colbert went on to point out that getting Trump up to speed “might be a challenge,” considering he’s the first U.S. president to have never held any elected office or served in any branch of the military.
“In fact, Donald Trump is so privileged that the first job he had to apply for was President of the United States,” said Colbert.
Colbert then launched into a series of jokes surrounding rumors that politicians such as Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Chris Christie and Sarah Palin could be appointed to cabinet positions in Trump’s White House.
“Leading candidate for Attorney General is Rudy Giuliani — excuse me, I’ve got something I need to do here,” he said, before reaching for a microphone to blast Giuliani for his previous defense of the controversial police practice known as “stop-and-frisk.”
” ‘Attention, black people,’ ” announced Colbert. ” ‘Starting Jan. 20, please build an extra 30 minutes into your schedule for the nationwide stop-and-frisk.’ ”
“And for Secretary of State, Trump is considering former Speaker of the House and angry sack of ricotta cheese Newt Gingrich,” he added. “That one is not bad — I personally could support sending Newt Gingrich out of the country.”
But ultimately, Colbert said he wasn’t surprised with the potential choices.
“That’s right. Trump’s plan to drain the swamp of corruption means bringing back Giuliani, Christie, Gingrich and Palin,” he said. “It makes sense: They’re exactly what I’d expect to find at the bottom of a drained swamp.”
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“And then, we’re not done!” he continued. “Then there’s Trump’s White House staff. I know I’m super excited to find out what role there is for Omarosa [Manigault]. She was Trump’s campaign director of African-American outreach. Oh, news flash — the Trump campaign was doing African-American outreach, and apparently hiring Omarosa was all of it.”
Colbert then discussed how on election night, former Apprentice contestant Manigault told the Independent Journal Review that “it’s so great our enemies are making themselves clear so that when we get in to the White House, we know where we stand. I would never judge anybody for exercising their right to and the freedom to choose who they want. But let me just tell you, Mr. Trump has a long memory and we’re keeping a list.”
“Wow, an enemies list. They went from zero to Nixon in no time flat,” Colbert said. “Now, that’s all worth noting because some people in late-night have said one or two things that were critical of Donald Trump. But, look, that was just in the heat of the election!”
Colbert then played a clip of Manigault saying “every critic, every detractor, will have to bow down to President Trump” were he to win, and Colbert flew into a frenzy.
“All hail our glorious leader! Giant hands! You’ve got giant hands! You’re going to be great!” he continued before a long, meaningful pause.
“…Is what a p—y would say,” he added with a sly smile.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert airs weeknights (11:35 p.m. ET) on CBS.