Wake up in the morning, wipe away the blood of Elizabeth North from your Armani white pant suit, and get to going, you know what I’m saying? We kick off this week after an insane Scandal episode last week that said goodbye to everyone’s least favorite favorite. And it’s almost as if an apocalyptic reset button has been pushed. Olivia is in bed with Fitz. Rowan is captured and being jailed in the White House, but with danishes. Isn’t that a great life? Rowan doesn’t want it though. He just wants to leave and get out of dodge.
Meanwhile, Abby is having a pretty hard time handling how badly she’s royally screwed up. Actually, everyone is having a tough time in this post-election Hell America. Charlie knows that Quinn is pretty involved with Huck, and Jake takes Rosen into the woods to explain what happened to Elizabeth North (and also to tell him that he’s actually standing on her buried body). And of course, the one who’s having the hardest time swallowing this mess is PEOTUS Mellie Grant.
Attempting to accept her fate, Mellie offers up cabinet appointments, but Sarah has no interest in that. Sarah has chosen her own cabinet. And she has another vacancy she wants filled… what is it? Jake Ballard’s vice presidency. Her associate goes to Olivia’s office to reveal photos of Jake hiding Elizabeth’s body, but Olivia calls the bluff and says Peus should release the photos, because it will ruin Jake and Mellie. But Peus isn’t done. It’s a stalemate for these two.
So Olivia goes to Jake, a little shook, and says that maybe he does need to leave the ticket. Jake isn’t ready to give up though; he wants to fight, y’all. He wants to wear the White Hat™ because can you even remember the last time someone wore the White Hat? ME NEITHER. With enough persuasion, Jake pulls out of the ticket, and Sarah is so excited about it because she has already decided who her vice president will be.
When Mellie and Sarah head into the Oval, Fitz and Abby are ready to fight. But when a drone goes into the White House airspace, Abby and Sarah are taken into White House safe room, while Mellie and Fitz? Oh, they’re directed into a room with Olivia and David and team because… guys, this nonsense STOPS NOW. The news jumps onto the story, as Huck controls the drone with Quinn from O.P.A. Quinn is pretty worried about Charlie, since she hasn’t seen him since the night before, and, well, it makes me a bit worried about ol’ Charlie boy. Yeah, he’s upset with Quinn, but no one is safe these days.
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But in the safe room, the team discusses what to do moving forward. The conversation turns to a Mellie/Cyrus unity ticket, but Olivia brings Rowan into the room. With his help, they may just be able to figure their way out of this mess, but Rowan wants Fitz to say it. What’s it? “We need your help. Will you help us?” But even with Fitz’ humility, Rowan says no. It sends the room into a tailspin. Mellie brings up Defiance, Marcus has no idea what’s going on, Rowan screams out about the First Son’s murder and how his daughter is a STRIPPER and how everyone is pathetic. To say it’s out of control would be an understatement. I mean, when was the last time you called your own daughter a stripper? I can barely remember myself.
After Rowan reads everyone in Washington, D.C. to filth, Cyrus fetches Rowan and takes him to the wine cellar that Fitz had installed because all villains can find commonalities over a full-bodied red. But while they’re in the wine cellar, Cyrus offers up another bottle; he’s actually just trying to distract Rowan. Cyrus was real into Frankie Vargas, so he pulls out that tiny little knife we all used to open up the foil on our red wine tonight and prepares to shank Rowan. Rowan breaks a bottle open and holds it up to Cyrus because you don’t bring a baby wine knife to a wine bottle shard fight.
While that happens, Fitz and Rosen catch up in the Secret Room and talk about how they’re not attracted to headband women — they’re attracted to women who rule the world. Women like Olivia, who is desperately trying to figure out what to do in this mess. And Olivia, man, she had so much to deal with because in the midst of our country falling apart, Jake decides to address the big sexy presidential elephant in the room… Why is Olivia sleeping with Fitz again? Olivia doesn’t respond well and calls it like she sees it — THERE ARE BIGGER FISH TO FRY RIGHT NOW THAN WHY FITZ AND OLIVIA ARE MAKING Os IN THE OVAL.
And speaking of the Oval, Mellie is starting to doubt what it means to be president, especially when people are going around clubbing people in the head. So Marcus gives Mellie the speech she’s needed to hear from someone for six seasons: She is worth it. She can rule this country, and man, does it need her now more than ever.
By the way, remember when they threw annoying crazy pants Sarah into the safe room with Abby? Yeah, that was silly. Sarah starts getting annoyed, and when she threatens Abby, Abby calls her bluff and tells her to kill whomever because she doesn’t have anything else to lose. And with every woman standing up and taking charge, Mellie tells the safe room that she’s 100 percent not giving up. The women of Washington are going to save this country. Cyrus turns down her proposition to be vice president, and in his stead? Oh, we’ll find out soon enough.
Before that news though, Quinn goes off to find Charlie, who has finally been located by Huck’s tracking. She goes to Charlie and tells him that she chooses him because she can’t live without him. That’s why she wants to marry him. We’ll see how long that lasts. But back to the bigger point: Mellie names Luna Vargas — oh, you read that correctly: Frankie’s widow — as her VP. Olivia goes into the safe room and has Sarah arrested, and Abby and Olivia team up because it’s going to be a long journey to shutting this nonsense down.
But in the words of our fixer and champion, Olivia Pope, “You can’t take Olivia Pope. Olivia Pope takes you.” Lord help Sarah, Lord help Washington, and Lord help us all.
Scandal airs Thursdays (9 p.m. ET) on ABC.