Before the official business of eliminating Allison Iraheta on American Idol Wednesday, viewers, judges and contestants were in for a treat: Paula Abdul took to the Idol stage herself to sing her new song “I’m Just Here for the Music.” It was a flashy performance with plenty of dancing and little, it seemed, actual singing. As a seasoned guest performer on the show — like Gwen Stefani or Lady Gaga — Paula was immune from the critique of her fellow judges. But as the show’s consistently kindest judge, we thought we’d give her a taste of her own medicine.
Here’s our imagined critique of Paula by Paula:
Week after week you astound us with your wisdom. When you open your mouth, pearls come out and they are so beautiful you could sell them on QVC. But this week we are reminded that you are an artist, a singer, a dancer, a lip sync-er — you are one of those Renaissance things. Wow! I loved — shut up, Simon! — everything about it. But I would caution you, my dear, about the vocals. When you sing a song, you should have some. Vocals, I mean. And be careful about song selection. You didn’t quite connect with the song, maybe because the song was so tiny no one could find it. It was a little acorn of music below YOU, the dancing squirrel. And so it did not fully utilize your — magical, hocus-pocus-y gifts. And I miss that cartoon cat that you dance with. What was his name? But, other than that, it was sheer absolute perfection! Congrats stands up, claps over head, I see you going all the way to the finish line, maybe mentoring Adam’s feet — and doing a duet with yourself on your album. — Tom Gliatto