The New Celebrity Apprentice is back with Arnold Schwarzenegger as its host and contestant Carson Kressley competing in the board room. This season, Kressley will be blogging exclusively about each and every week for PEOPLE – check back weekly and follow him on Twitter at @!
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of Lorissa’s Kitchen!
So here’s the skinny on this week’s Celebrity Apprentice! There’s this new high protein snack for which we were tasked with creating a PR stunt. It’s a new beef jerky called “Lorissa’s Kitchen” and it’s not the shoe leathery truck stop beef jerky of days of yore. Instead, it’s gotten a makeover with “of the moment flavors” like Sweet Chili and Ginger Teriyaki. It was quite yummy, actually.
The stunt took place in storage containers, which were really like high-class campers that opened up to create a stage. Pretty cool stuff. The store version of the Tiny House movement, if you will.
Brooke Burke finally stepped up and became the project manager for team Arete and Lisa Leslie stepped up to lead my new team, Prima. Now Lisa has had her share of feuds with her former female teammates and I knew things may heat up in the kitchen with Porsha and Lisa. As it turned out, Chael and Lisa, and even Lisa and Vince, had their moments.
Honestly, Brooke nailed it. She created a farm-to-table experience and incorporated fitness and “philosophy” into her presentation. She really didn’t explain what all that meant — and I’m not really sure she knew what it meant either — but it worked! It was right on brand and was simple and direct.
It didn’t hurt that Brooke is basically the poster child for this brand that caters to health conscious moms that want to give their kids a healthy snack. It wasn’t that creative, but sometimes it’s best not to gild the lily. Or the beef jerky, apparently.
Meanwhile, back at team Prima … I hate that team name by the way. It sounds like pasta sauce. And not a good one. But I digress. The tragic flaw where the air raid sirens should have been blaring in Lisa’s team leader ears was when Vince suggested having dancing girls on the top of our container to draw attention. Okay, now I get that it would draw the attention of men (not me!), but that’s not the audience we are trying to attract. We needed moms in Lululemons pushing strollers and worrying about healthy snacks for their kids! This was when Lisa should have shut that idea down like a dangerous carnival ride. But in her attempt to keep Vince engaged, she went with it. To quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Huge.”
I was running around stealing spectators, forming conga lines and rapping — yes rapping! I didn’t know I could rap either!?!? But I had to do whatever I could to save our presentation and distract the execs from the hot work out gals on the roof of our container!
Then it was off to the board room. I was sure Brooke won, but I didn’t realize that, in this point of the competition, things start to get ugly. And I’m not talking about how shiny I’ve become. Powder, please!
I did not like being on the losing team and dealing with the board room ‘ickiness’. And, by the way, at this point in the show there is no where to hide. Arnold Schwarzenegger is becoming better and better at cross examining us and he is not having it!
Chael and Lisa got into it and I have to agree with Schwarzenegger and Lisa that Chael talks a good game in the board room, but maybe doesn’t back that up with a lot of work on the actual task. This is hard for me to say because off-camera, Chael is a really cool guy. I guess it’s part of the MMA persona? It’s gotta be an MMA thing. I’m not sure, I don’t watch a lot of MMA fights. Okay, that’s a lie — the fighters are really hot, so I watch up until they get all bloody and their faces look like beef carpaccio .
Vince was a bit disengaged and quite frankly, I wasn’t surprised when he fell on his own sword and basically asked to be “terminated.” Last week he won over $700,000 for his charity — the Cleveland Clinic — and I think that was his goal for participating in the show. I can’t say I blame him. He won a huge amount of money for his cause and was able to get out of Dodge before things start to get real ugly….
So next up we had to create a digital brochure for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Enter Matt Iseman: TV host, M.D. and apparently the world’s biggest Harry Potter fan. He took the lead and I knew he would be unstoppable.
Over in Prima land, no one was willing to take the mantle of project manager. So basically to drown out the sound of crickets, I took on the job, even though I know nothing about Harry Potter or his Wizarding World. My idea of a theme park is an outlet mall.
Creating the brochure was so challenging because the park was actually open while we were shooting. Now I was the one needing a Ritalin smoothie.
But the crux of the episode is really scissor-gate, and Chael risking life and limb to buy our team more time by cutting the cord to our computer with all our photos and brochure layouts.
Now, while I appreciate him wanting to buy us time, this was not the way to do it. He could have barbecued his own arm off or worse yet, lost all our data.
Long story short, the whole escapade cast a spell over our work — and not in a good way. We lost as we should have.
And now the real ickiness kicked into high gear in the board room with me and Porsha and Lisa in the hot seat. Thank God the gals went at each other and I could (uncomfortably) just sit there and not have to throw anyone under the bus.
Look, Porsha worked hard and always had my back. I was not going to suggest she be fired. Lisa, I just could not figure out. Sadly, I think Porsha just talked too much. That got her the axe and made me very sad to see her go. I love me some Porsha Williams…
The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on NBC.