Jimmy Kimmel wants you to have the most non-confrontational, micro-aggression-free Thanksgiving ever.
The Jimmy Kimmel Live host turned the story of the first Thanksgiving into a safe space on Monday’s episode of the late night show by having a group of children perform in a politically correct Thanksgiving pageant.
“Most of us are familiar with the traditional tale of the first Thanksgiving — you know how it went, the one we learned in school. It’s a heartwarming story but this is not 1621, this is 2016, and some of the story is out-of-date,” said Kimmel, 49. “So we thought it might be a good idea to update the story of Thanksgiving to reflect our modern sensitivities.”
The crowd cheered — only to have the young narrator chastise viewers for their enthusiasm.
“Please don’t applaud, it’s insensitive to people with no arms,” she said. “The place: Plymouth, Massachusetts. The year: 1621 — if you choose to believe in the culturally oppressive Greco-Roman calendar.”
From there, the children reenacted the first Thanksgiving, taking great care not to offend anyone.
“I am cold and hungry,” said one boy.
“Me too, but let’s not dismiss the experiences of all those who are not cold and hungry,” replied another girl.
The pilgrims and Native Americans went on to enjoy a “locally sourced feast” — but not before saying grace: “Dear generic higher power, who we choose to believe in — or not believe in — thank you — or never mind.”
A turkey was then brought out, much to the horror of the pilgrims, who informed the audience they don’t eat turkey because it’s “not morally justifiable.”
Fortunately, a Thanksgiving miracle happened in the form of a Tofurkey made of bean curd and wheat protein. The pilgrims and Native Americans alike spat it out, wailing that it was “disgusting” and tasted like “wood pulp.”
“Exactly,” said the wise Tofurkey. “You see, when we all come together and compromise and spend all of our time trying to please everyone, we end up with a lumpy round of brown goo.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live! airs weeknights (11:35 p.m. ET) on ABC.