For the Comedy Central roast of James Franco, the writer/actor/director/producer was braced for tasteless jokes at his expense. What he didn’t know was that all the roasters were fair game, too.
“I’ve never watched one of these roasts. I chose not to research this so I had no idea that they were going to be roasting each other [too]. I thought I’d be sitting here for two hours bearing the brunt of it so it was a huge relief,” Franco said. “I had a great time. Everybody was awesome, solid.”
Before it airs Monday on Comedy Central (10 p.m. ET), we’ve selected some of the best zingers and put-downs to add some sizzle to your Labor Day.
Roast Master Seth Rogen: “Judd Apatow was going to direct this roast, but Comedy Central didn’t want it to be 40 minutes too long.”
Rogen: “Look at me doing all the talking while you sit there doing nothing. I feel like I’m co-hosting the Oscars with you.”
Sarah Silverman: “Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type. But seriously you’ve had such a body transformation in the past couple of years. You have come a long way from just being Sonny and Cher’s daughter.”
Silverman: “I don’t think James is gay or straight. It’s just that he literally can’t open his eyes enough to see who he’s f -king.”
Nick Kroll: “If at any point James fully opens his eyes tonight, there will be six more weeks of summer.”
Aziz Ansari: “So many gay jokes tonight about Franco. Apparently if you’re clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you’re super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, d—s are going to just fly into your face.”
Jeff Ross: “Jonah almost couldn’t make it tonight because he had trouble finding a tuxedo that changes sizes every three hours. When Jonah’s agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, You had me at spaghetti.’ ”
James Franco: “I think this is truly my punishment for the Oscars.”
Franco: “I agreed to do this roast because I wanted to do something I’ve never done before – something that has zero artistic value, something nobody will remember three months from now, something that’s offensive, homophobic and stars horrifically untalented people and something that’s only a big deal to a handful of teenage stoners on Twitter. You might say, James, didn’t you just describe Your Highness? I wouldn’t know, I didn’t see Your Highness.”
Franco: “The joke’s on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest most elaborate art installation ever. I’m not the real guest of honor, these aren’t real comedians and we’re not even on a real network. What you’ve seen tonight was my brilliant opus to sequester an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of talentless abnormalities. I call it Genius Unscathed and this is my masterpiece.”