Pot roast-demanding husbands, kidnapped cats, misguided moms, arrogant exes and plummeting social status– it turns out the future isn’t so bright on Wisteria Lane. At least not on this week’s episode.
BreeBree’s business is doing gangbusters and Orson isn’t happy about it. First, he noticed that she was releasing her cookbook under her original married name (Van De Kamp). Bree brushed it off, explaining she started the company when separated and “Hodge sounds like the noise a plunger makes.” She promised to whip up his favorite pot roast to make up for it, but had forgotten a meeting. The next night she had to do a radio interview in which she discussed how important it was that family gather around the table (Flashed to Orson eating Chinese takeout solo.). When asked if there was a Mr. Van De Kamp, she joked that he was deceased–but that it had nothing to do with her cooking. She was busy changing the menu for the first event of the Fairview social season in order to impress the cookbook author into giving a quote for her book jacket when Orson confronted her about not telling the radio host about him. “It’s because I went to jail. You’re ashamed of me.” Bree dodged, “The show was about my book, not about my tortured marital history. “ Orson reminded her that jail was the only way to get her back. She again bartered with meat, promising to come home ASAP from the party. But apparently she returned too late for his liking because she found him sitting at the table with a place setting. He said, “I’m hungry. You promised me a roast. I want it now.” Bree reasoned that it was after midnight and she’d been cooking all day and could barely stand. But he held firm to the point of crazy, forced her to deliver the dish. Wondering if her tears made it taste any different? EdieThe vixen who proved last week that you can go home again complained to her husband that Mrs. McCluskey teased that her chest was a “triumph of engineering” and that the neighbors don’t care that she has changed. “To them, I will always be a joke,” she wailed while packing her suitcases. Creepy Dave talked her off the ledge and pledged, “I will personally see to it that start treating you with more respect.” Dave visited Mrs. McCluskey to ask her to apologize. She laughed it off. “That’s what Edie and I do. We tease. I say she’s easier to get into than community college and she says my face looks like a knee. If Edie wants to change the way we talk, she has to ask me. You’ve got a lot of gall making me feel like I did something wrong when you don’t know me.” At that comment, Dave got all creepy as he petted her cat Toby suggestively. No surprise, Toby went missing (through an open window she didn’t remember opening). No surprise again: After Mrs. McCluskey apologized to Edie, she returned home to find Toby and an open window. The next day she took flowers to Kathryn (again underutilized) in hopes of borrowing her computer to look up the identity of Edie’s mystery husband.
GabrielleThe dowdy ex-diva ran into her house waving an invite to Michelle’s party (the same one Bree was catering) and walked in on Carlos massaging an old guy whose towel rode up and exposed his naughty bits. Gab requests a conference in the kitchen and told Carlos to take the masseuse job at the country club. “They tip better and flake less. Have you seen our bank balance lately? I miss our life.” Carlos relented, but his new position wound up getting them dis-invited because, according to Bree, most of the party guests are members and it would be weird to be socializing with the help. Gaby was crushed, but managed to crash the party with Carlos through the service entrance. Her plan was to go for 20 minutes, been seen by everyone except the guest of honor and then duck out quietly. But she got carried away, and while she was in the kitchen being scolded by Bree for being an unwanted party crasher, Carlos was discovered and kicked out. Carlos didn’t appreciate her stunt as he works there and had to go in the next day. Gab shot back, “You wanna know what is humiliating? Waking up one day and realizing you’re invisible. I’ve lost everything –our money, my figure, now the last shreds of our social standing.” He tried to soothe her: “We’ve lost nothing that matters. I’ve never been happier in my life. The only thing that would make me happier is for you to realize how good we’ve got it.” Too bad she assaulted the nun and pissed off the priest in previous seasons as it seems it will take a miracle for that to happen.
LynetteWorried that Porter was hanging out with an old little league buddy who got busted for selling drugs, Lynnette pretended to be a 16-year-old girl who likes graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club on a MySpace-like page called Silverfizz. She rationalized that her means justified her ends to Tom, but he warned that she should stop IMing him once she found her answer. But Lynette liked learning about her son and apparently did such a good job impersonating a teenager that her son sent her a love note. Tom scolded her, “You told him you liked his poetry? Why not just flash him a boob? “ She decided to break up with him via email. She wrote a heartfelt letter but accidentally signed it “Love, Mom.” She tried to apologize. “I know what I did was unforgivable. We used to talk all the time and then one day, it just stopped and it killed me. I lost you. For what it’s worth, I loved our conversations and I’m going to miss them.” As she walked out of earshot, Porter muttered under his breath, “Me too.”
SusanThe painter, Jackson, is now her boyfriend and he stayed the night while her son was at a sleepover. When he went out for the morning paper, he wound up meeting Mike and flashing him. Mike demanded a hang session, threatening to take Susan back to custody court, to check out a man “sleeping in the same house as my son.” Scared of losing MJ, Susan hilariously prepped Jackson for his date with bromance. “We need a shirt that says I am a responsible citizen, not my favorite clothing store also sells bongs.” Susan paced the kitchen, but all the worry was for naught as Jackson returned to report that they’d had a blast and made more plans. Susan took him to the bedroom to thank him and he kissed her ear, a turn-on that he’d had yet to discover. She was irate when she realized Mike had told him about the lobe nibble and forbid them from hanging. When Jackson canceled dinner last minute, Susan assumed he was lying to keep his date with Mike. She went to O’Brien’s to confront him and found only Mike and an unattended beer. In typical Susan fashion, she stuffed the beer with popcorn and potato to flush Jackson out, only it find out it really was a stranger’s. Mike acknowledged that letting Susan’s sex secrets slip out was inappropriate, but suggested they all be friends for MJ’s sake. Susan was still worried. “I don’t want him to see me through your eyes.” He assured her that he had forgiven her for the last few months they were together. “We’re not those anymore.” She went home and told Jackson she had overreacted. Then, wham, her first ex came out of the bathroom and started flinging the insults. “From plumber to housepainter in one move. Don’t get dizzy climbing that social ladder. Just think, if I’d been a roofer, we might still be together.” Trademark Desperate dialogue! – Carrie Bell
Tell us: How do you think the five years into the future is shaping up for the ladies of Wisteria Lane? And what will McCluskey find out about Dave?