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Desperate Housewives Recap: Let’s Do the Time Warp!

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People have been chattering about the Desperate Housewives’ plot jump all summer after a finale cliffhanger that gave fans a glimpse at the Wisteria Lane of five years in the future. It sounded risky and even a little bit weird, but after the first two hours in the time warp, fans were reminded about what drew them to the series in the first place – mysteries, secret pasts, catty one-liners, hot guys and even hotter women.

EdieThe bitch is back. However every time she unleashed her bark, she was declawed by her husband/motivational speaker Dave. (Neal McDonough will make a great new neighbor!) Edie (Nicollette Sheridan) announced her return by washing her Lexus in a leopard-print swimsuit and tons of jewelry. The gang noticed and threw her a welcome back/we forgive you party, although she thought it was their way to apologize for kicking her off the street five years ago. Edie started fighting with the ladies, but again her hubby stepped in — and gave a cryptic speech about needing them to like us (hmmm). The last scene gave a little more detail. His doctor called and reminded him that part of the deal of his release (from what looked like a mental institution or rehab) was checking in every month. Dave assured him that the meds were working. But a video taped session with his doctor hinted at another side: It seems he had a problem controlling his rage. He said eerily, “I’ve never been a danger to myself. There is only one person who should be worried.” After the conversation, he walked outside and looked down the street. BreeFairview’s own Martha Stewart has turned her hobbies into a catering empire. But she seemed back to being her control-freak self, even mistreating her business partner Katherine Mayfair (an under-used Dana Delaney) despite dedicating her new cookbook to her. Katherine had accused Bree (Marcia Cross) of stealing recipes, including ones she had never made. So to get her back, Katherine sabotaged Bree’s local TV segment, faking an injury and suggesting that Bree apply the spun sugar netting to a dessert — a task she knew Bree couldn’t do. The result: Bree burnt the interviewer, and then spent all night practicing the technique in order to re-shoot the segment. A flashback gave us a clue about why she had reverted to her old ways. Daughter Danielle had taken back her baby leaving Bree with a void, though it did appear that she and Orson (Kyle MacLachlan) were together again.

GabrielleThe years have been kind to all of the women except the former model (which Edie points out upon their initial reunion). Still married to Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chivara) with two daughters, Gab (Eva Longoria Parker) remarked that she was sometimes glad that Carlos was still blind because “five years, two kids and no time for facials or the gym. It takes a toll.” Her own looks aren’t the only ones she is obsessed with. Gab overheard the other moms at a princess party blaming her parenting skills for daughter Juanita’s weight problem. She tried throughout the episode to make Carlos concerned and she tried repeatedly to convince Juanita to play outside, exercise and eat less. When that didn’t work, she invented a game of try to catch the car, in trademark ethically questionable but creative Gab style. Carlos was mad, but Gab convinced him it came from a good place. “I’m protecting her. Women only have five seconds to be young and beautiful. Before they know it they’re old and fat and married and wondering where their beauty went.”

LynetteShe and Tom (Doug Savant) still own the pizza joint and it was at said restaurant where she caught her twins, who have moved on from juvenile pranks to stunts that are worthy of juvenile hall, hosting a weekly card game complete with tequila shots. She grounded them from the homecoming dance. Tired of always being the bad cop, Lynette (Felicity Huffman) asked Tom to help her out with punishments. Apparently, they have also hotwired a car, crashed the mom mobile, and sold fake IDs. Instead, she catches Tom laughing with them, and he admits he thought the casino was creative. “Oh my god you think they’re cool,” Lynette exclaims, “This is Tom, former high school nerd, living vicariously through his awesome-ass kids.” Tom, irritated about being called out, un-grounds them and claims to trust them to do the right thing. To teach him a lesson, she told the boys they could take Tom’s prize convertible. And after they return 30 minutes after curfew, Lynette tells Tom, “You find them so cool and entertaining that you forget to parent them. We have a lot of work to do in a very short time.” He finally understands and drops the hammer, grounding them for a month.

SusanA few years earlier, Susan (Teri Hatcher) and Mike (James Denton) were involved in a bad accident that left a mother and child dead on their anniversary. The first flashback led you to believe that Mike died, especially since it was followed by Susan getting hot and heavy with her house painter — her hookup of the past four months. Now the painter wants a more serious commitment and to meet her friends and son. (There’s no sign of Julie, so we’re assuming she went away to college.) Susan refused, and even kicked him out right after sex. Another flashback then revealed that Mike didn’t die, but that Susan could never get over the guilt of the accident. But it was obvious that she still wants to be with him: When he came over to pick up their son for the weekend, she stared longingly at a family portrait. Later, the painter crashed the party for Edie and sang a suggestive song about wanting to be Susan’s boyfriend. She flipped the electricity off to get him to stop and when he pestered her for an explanation, she came clean about the accident and how she felt she “didn’t deserve to be happy.” He countered: “Can I hang around for a few months and see if you change your mind?” – Carrie Bell

Tell Us: What did you think of the fast forward plot invention and the season premiere? Who is your favorite new character and who do you think is the object of Edie’s husband’s rage? RON TOM/ABC