It may be a new year but last night’s Desperate Housewives proved that Wisteria Lane is still the place to go for quality dramedy. Porter is still AWOL and Lynette is growing more desperate by the minute. Bree faced off with Andrew’s trashy, conniving future mother-in-law. Gaby backed Carlos into a corner regarding his next career endeavor. Susan made a critical decision about Jackson, while Edie’s love life comes to a halt after she caught Dave dishing with the dearly departed.
Bree Bree invited Andrew’s future mother-in-law Melina to stay at her house because she couldn’t afford a hotel. (“In a bad economy, the mature cocktail waitress is the first to go,” she chirped on arrival.) But she quickly worked Bree’s last nerve, calling dibs on holidays and threatening Bree if she told the boys about it.
Orson reminded Bree that unlike his piece-of-work mother who was kind enough to have a paralyzing stroke, Melina seemed healthy so they would have to figure out how to be nice to her. “No one is better at plastering on a fake smile and pretending to like someone than Bree Hodge,” he encouraged her. During dinner, Melina stole Bree’s chair at the head of the table and announced that she had chatted with her town’s doctor who was looking for someone to take over his practice when he retired in an effort to lure the boys to live near her. She then offered her babysitting services if they moved near her. “Let’s toast to seal the deal,” she cheered.” Desperate, Bree announced that she’d bought a house for them for their wedding present. She then excused herself to call Edie to seal that deal.
Edie Dave was beginning to unravel. Edie came home, wanting to celebrate a new listing, but found Dave unshaven, red-faced and rummaging through his briefcase full of prescriptions. She tried to confront him but he shut her out. “I just don’t like to talk about my troubles. I am sorry you’re unhappy,” he explained. She retorted, while suggestively sliding her hand down her side: “I don’t like sitting at home doing nothing when I feel like dancing. I don’t stay unhappy for long.”
Meanwhile Mrs. M and her sister Roberta arrived at Dave’s psychiatrist’s office demanding to talk to him. The secretary wouldn’t give them any details and wouldn’t tell them when the doctor would be in so they camped out with beers in the waiting room. The receptionist finally divulged that the shrink had gone on a trip but was a week late returning.
Without his meds, Dave’s hallucinations of his dead wife and daughter were becoming more vivid and Edie awoke to find him babbling in the kitchen. He flipped out when she confronted him, but seemed better by the next morning. But Edie was frightened and demanded the full story. “I don’t need and apology. I need an explanation. And if you can’t give me one, I’m thinking we’re finished.” Dave admitted he was married before and that his wife died. Edie didn’t like being lied to. “You have until tonight to get your things together. I want you out of my house,” she told him.
Gabrielle Carlos quit his massage job after being turned off by all the naked clients. “You don’t quit a job because of a few moles and a little back fat,” an irked Gaby retorted. But he held his ground figuring that with his regained vision, there would be many more positions available to him.
Gaby ran into Carlos’s old coworker while drooling over a pair of high-end heels. He was looking for someone to fill an upper-level position at his investment fund with lots of perks and a six-figure salary. He said, “I’d kill to have Carlos on my team. That man was a shark.” Gabby, being Gabby, accepted for him on the spot and marched right in for the shoes. Carlos had other plans for employment – he’d taken a job at the community center working with the blind for personal fulfillment. “I’ve spent the last five years working with the blind. Trust me, it’s not that fulfilling,” Gaby quipped.
Carlos should know by now that Gaby does not give up that easily. She invited her perspective employer over for dinner and ambushed him. They made a deal … listen to what he has to say and, if at the end of the evening Carlos was still not interested, Gaby would support his goodwill gig. While Carlos still held out, telling Gaby the gig would “take a toll on all of us,” Gaby held firm this time. “It took a toll on us when we couldn’t pay the gas bill or when Juanita was sent home from daycare when the check bounced. I handled it and now it’s your turn.” He reluctantly took the job and we can only guess this is going to end badly.
Lynette Preston was still posing badly as Porter with the lawyer until Penny accidentally ratted him out. Bob told them he had a legal obligation to report it. Lynette begged him to keep quiet as she had used the restaurant to post bail and if the judge found out Porter had skipped town, the bail would be forfeited and they would lose their only source of income. Bob gave them two days to find their accused offspring.
When Lynette caught Preston talking to him on the cell, she grabbed his phone, redialed and begged Porter to come home. Preston came clean about Porter’s lover’s husband threatening him, but said he didn’t know where he was hiding out. “I can handle Warren, but if Porter doesn’t show up for court we’re gonna lose our restaurant,” Lynette begged. Preston took it the wrong way. “A guy threatens to kill your son and that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not going to let my brother risk his life so you can sell pizza?”
Lynette drove Preston to the bar where Warren goes every night and pretty much explained that it was her motherly duty to run him over to protect her son. Her scare tactic worked as Preston said he’d get his twin to return. When he called his sibling and Lynette tried to convince him that he’d be okay, it was revealed that he was bunking with grandma at the retirement home Lynette put her in and she told him not to trust his mom.
Susan Susan was about to call Jackson when she stopped to eavesdrop on an argument between her gay neighbors. Bob was busy with Porter’s case so Lee threatened to still go clubbing in his “not-coming-home- alone jeans.” Lee noticed the nosy neighbor and when he went to confront her, he wound up agreeing to take her dancing with him. He suggested she pile on the makeup because drag queens’ first drink was on the house. (The writers have been merciless with Susan’s looks jokes this season. Loves it!)
While at the club, Jackson called her to inform her that he was offered a job in another city, that he wanted to take it and that he hoped Susan would move with him. “I want to be with him so I think I have to,” she sighed. But Lee questioned her motivation. “You sure you’re not just waiting for closing time? It’s 2 a.m., bar’s closing and you haven’t found the perfect guy so you settle for something like that pointed at a nerdy loner down the bar?” Susan was firm, mentioning that there is no such thing as a perfect guy and that she wasn’t going to sabotage another relationship. But when she woke up in her undies and hungover next to Lee, she was afraid she had done just that.
She confided her possible sexcapades to Gaby. Their powwow was interrupted by Bob, who came over to confirm Lee’s alibi for not sleeping at home. “I had this awful feeling that he spent the night with another man. When he’s got a few drinks in him, he’ll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair.” She later asked Lee who was repulsed at the thought. “Egads, no. Are you insane? Hello? Gay! Listening to opera in a kimono.” He questioned her decision to move in with Jackson again as she still can’t say that she loves him with a straight face. “Mike and I will never get back together and I need to move on with my life. I’m not good alone. I need a man in my life,” she stated. “Why? We’re so useless. You should tell Jackson you’re not ready. If he ends up leaving, I will dance with you at least until someone better comes along.” Note to producers: So enjoying Lee’s recent upswing in screen time. Please find more reasons for him to stand around being catty. –Carrie Bell
Tell us: Should Susan move in with Jackson or is Lee right that it would be a mistake? Do you think Lynette runs over Porter’s Mr. Robinson in next week’s episode? Was Gaby right to push Carlos into the soul-crushing career?