Oh Bachelor Nation, blessed are we. Tonight was week two of The Bachelorette, and it was most excellent.
You know it’s going to be a good episode when it opens with Rachel Lindsay hanging out with her adorable dog, Copper, who is the real MVP this season. But the producers were truly smiling down upon us this week, because not only did Monday’s episode feature more Copper screen time than most contestants on night one, but it also featured our new favorite Bachelor super-fans, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, and, of course, the most glorious
character assassination DeMario-got-caught-red-handed-with-his-pants-down moment of all time.
P.S. We’re hosting a #LexiExposedDeMario party, and everyone’s invited.
FIRST GROUP DATE
The first group date of the season went to Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Diggy, Kenny, Fred and Lucas, a.k.a. Whaboom, a.k.a. the most irritating person on the planet.
Luckily for this largely underwhelming group of contestants, Hollywood’s most treasured couple was there to provide us with all of the entertainment we needed. (Can we just have two full hours of Ashton and Mila flirting back and forth on camera next week? The ratings would be through the roof.)
So, as it turns out, Ashton and Mila have been huge fans of the show ever since Ashton’s doppelgänger Jared made his debut on Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s season. They’re also huge fans of Rachel, hence how they ended up on her first group date this week, in which they hosted a “husband material” obstacle course that put the guys to the test with highly intense challenges such as changing a diaper, strapping a baby into a BabyBjörn, vacuuming and setting a table.
Very strenuous stuff, as you can imagine.
One by one, the guy in last place after each challenge was banished to the dog house, until there were just two contestants left: Kenny and Lucas. Unfortunately for everyone, Lucas won. He also Whaboomed in front of Ashton and Mila, so he can probably kiss his Hollywood career goodbye.
Later that evening, Lucas further solidified his status as the most baffling contestant when he read Rachel a poem he wrote for her that went just like this, word for word:
Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entail. I look forward to this adventure with you to continue for a very long while.
Lucas at a poetry slam:
Rachel felt bad enough for Lucas to give him a kiss after that, so it must have been even more sad to hear it recited to you in person.
If you hate Lucas, you are not alone: Blake the aspiring drummer also despises him. He also happens to know him from outside the show because he’s roommates with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend and is convinced that Lucas is only there for TV exposure in order to further his career in entertainment. (No way!!! Really???)
So Blake decided to use his own one-on-one time with Rachel to inform her that Lucas A) just wants to be famous and B) has been wearing makeup. Rachel appeared to be only mildly surprised by these two statements and Blake returned to the group to confront Lucas.
Blake: I totally told Rachel you’re wearing makeup.
Lucas: THE ONLY LEG THAT I HAVE TO STAND ON ARE MY TWO LEGS.
Kenny watching Lucas and Blake fight:
Anyway, thank God for Dean and Kenny, because they were the only two guys out of this group that provided Rachel with a conversation that was even remotely fun, entertaining or exciting. Group date rose went to Dean, who also got his first kiss with Rachel. Methinks Dean is going to be one to watch this season.
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ONE-ON-ONE WITH PETER
The first one-on-one of the season went to Peter, who seems genuine, sweet and smart. He’s also very, very good-looking, which doesn’t hurt. Like Rachel, he’s the proud owner of a very prominent gap tooth, so you know if these two end up together they’re going to have some very adorable gap-toothed babies.
The best part about Rachel and Peter’s date was … the entire thing from start to finish. This was a great date, and not just because Rachel got to bring Copper along. They took a private plane out to Palm Springs to attend Bark Fest, which is essentially Coachella for dogs. Copper was in heaven, and Rachel and Peter were smitten with one another.
Seriously, have you ever seen anything more perfect? Just look at how blissful they are.
Spoiler alert: Peter got the rose. And they got their own fireworks display and he’s definitely a great kisser and he’s emotionally available. Three cheers for Peter.
FROM PEN: Rachel Lindsay on Why She Might Not be Able to Resist the Fantasy Suites
SECOND GROUP DATE
Rachel’s second group date was with Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and last but not least, DeMario. (You’ll recall that DeMario was the guy that Rachel’s friends warned her about in the premiere last week.)
Oh, DeMario. WOMEN OF AMERICA: Remember that name, and study this face. Learn to never, ever trust it.
So this group date started off innocently enough, with NBA legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar showing up to teach the guys how to play basketball. None of them were very good at all, but that was okay, because Rachel loves basketball and she was having a great time.
The guys went on to play a pretty terrible game of basketball, but the main event had yet to come. The main event, in fact, didn’t happen until after the game, when a woman named Lexi came up to Rachel and introduced herself while the boys were in the locker room.
Lexi, as it turns out, was DeMario’s girlfriend from back home. According to her, they had been dating for about seven months when he suddenly disappeared and stopped answering her texts and calls. The next thing she knew, a few days later, she saw him being introduced to Rachel on live television as one of her contestants on After the Final Rose in March.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Lexi was no exception. Lexi was very, very angry — like, slightly-unhinged-looking-straight-at-the-camera angry. Rachel, bless her heart, handled the situation with the utmost class, grace and maturity. She went to go get DeMario, brought him out to Lexi and gave him every opportunity to explain himself. And when he failed, she dumped him instantly.
Oh, DeMario. DeMario did all the wrong things and got trapped in lie after lie. He pretended not to know Lexi at first, called her “psycho” and chalked their relationship up to just having “sexual intercourse.” He asked if they could have this conversation off-camera because this was “some personal life stuff.” Then he pretended that he had mailed Lexi’s keys back to her, oh, and claimed to have broken up with her face-to-face, though Lexi quickly whipped out their text history and proved that that wasn’t the case.
Women everywhere watching DeMario dig himself deeper and deeper into a hole:
DeMario: “I definitely want to be here.”
Rachel: “I believe you want to be here, I just don’t think you want to be here for me. Let me tell you something: I’m not here to be played. I’m not here to be made a joke of, which is what I feel like you’re doing right now with me, so I’m really going to need you to get the f— out. I don’t like being f—ing embarrassed, and I can’t even look at you right now.”
YES RACHEL. YES.
Anyway, the DeMario situation, as you can imagine, put somewhat of a damper on the rest of the group date, but Josiah ultimately got the rose and Rachel did get a couple more make-outs in. (She sure as hell earned it.)
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Ah, just when we thought we had finally gotten rid of the bad guy in a single episode. Nope, DeMario decided he couldn’t leave without having one last conversation with Rachel, so he showed up at the mansion and begged Chris Harrison to bring her out front. Hey, villains gotta vill.
Stay tuned for how that goes. Fingers crossed Rachel dumps a drink on him.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.