Oh, happy day — it’s the Bachelorette season 13 premiere.
Monday night’s two-hour premiere kicked off with Rachel Lindsay reminding everyone that A) she’s still as delightful as ever, and B) she looks really good in a red dress. If you were worried about how Rachel was going to bounce back after her split from Nick Viall, you may rest assured that she looks better than ever, is still a successful lawyer and oh, spoiler alert, is also engaged, which means one of these 31 goons successfully stole her heart at the end of this. (Okay, they’re not all goons. But there are a couple that we’re pretty concerned about. Looking right at you, Whaboom.)
Rachel’s intro reel largely consisted of shots of her running around her hometown of Dallas looking fabulous but lonely.
Olivia Pope Rachel is a hardworking trial attorney, but at the end of the day, she just wants to take off her “lawyer hat” and find love.
To prepare her for the journey, Rachel met up with some of her fellow Bachelor costars from last season. Usually the Bachelor/ette meets up with a few of their now happily-engaged predecessors, but watching Nick’s castaways Corinne, Alexis and Jasmine dole out relationship advice was far more entertaining, so for that, ABC, we thank you.
MEET THE CONTESTANTS
With Rachel making franchise history as the first black lead, there was much speculation and hype over whether ABC would trot out its regular majority-white cast — but ‘lo and behold, this grouping is actually the most diverse we’ve seen yet, with the largest number of nonwhite contestants of any Bachelor or Bachelorette season.
A few standouts:
Kenny, a 35-year-old professional wrestler who has a 10-year-old daughter named Mackenzie. We love Kenny.
Jack, a 31-year-old lawyer who lost his mother to cancer when he was in high school. Jack seems like a sweetheart.
Alex, a 28-year-old information systems supervisor. Claims to have an IQ of 180. Debatable.
Mohit, a 26-year-old product manager. Also a Bollywood dancer because #diversity.
Lucas, a 30-year-old “whaboom.” Yes, that’s how he listed his occupation. There are truly no words to adequately explain what a “whaboom” means or what Lucas is like. Think Jim Carrey on acid.
Blake E., a 31-year-old personal trainer and nutritionist who claims to have a scientifically above-average libido: “I don’t want to come across as the guy that talks about his penis, but how many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis?” Right, because nothing screams sexual maturity more than bragging about your penis.
Diggy, a 31-year-old senior inventory analyst. Owns 575 pairs of sneakers. Should probably reconsider that inventory.
Josiah, a 28-year-old prosecuting attorney with a powerful backstory: When Josiah was 7, his older brother committed suicide after being bullied for being overweight in school. Josiah began committing crimes in the years that followed and was arrested for a burglary when he was 12 years old. Sixteen years later, he’s working at the same state attorney’s office that gave him a second chance.
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As per usual, there was an eclectic mix of limo entrances that ranged from harmless to cringe-worthy to complete absurdity, like Jonathan the “tickle monster” who made Rachel close her eyes and hold her hands out only to TICKLE HER STOMACH. There should be a law against doing that to someone. Same goes for Adam, who brought Adam Jr., his puppet, and Milton, who growled at her more than once.
That being said, shout-out to Matt who showed up in a penguin suit. If things don’t work out with Rachel, we happen to know of someone else who loves a good animal costume.
One particularly interesting limo arrival? Fred, who showed up with a yearbook because get this — he went to grade school with Rachel. Jury is still out on whether Fred is creepy or cute.
Then, of course, there was Lucas, who showed up in a “Whaboom” tank top and a megaphone to announce that he has one testicle larger than the other. Le sigh.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
One thing these 31 guys all have in common is that they are all thirsty AF for Rachel. The cocktail party that ensued after the limo arrivals was as close to an SNL skit as this show has ever come, with hordes of adult men falling over themselves and aggressively staking their claim to Rachel as if they had any say in the matter of who she would choose whatsoever.
Jamey’s extremely accurate analysis of the cocktail party: “This is a nightmare scenario. It’s like you rolled up to a bar and there’s one girl and 31 guys, and for some reason you decided to stay.”
The biggest offender of the entire night was easily Lucas. Can someone, anyone, please smack him over the head with that damn megaphone?
Blake E., on Lucas: “Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples and puts a whoopee cushion under you.”
Blake E. confronting Lucas: “I’m not wearing my catchphrase on a shirt.”
Lucas: “But I feel like everyone has a little whaboom in them.”
Blake E., with an entirely straight face: “I have no whaboom in me.”
NEITHER DO WE, BLAKE. NEITHER DO WE.
Amidst all of the mess, however, was one guy who knew what he wanted and how to get it: Bryan, the 37-year-old chiropractor with a very sexy Spanish accent who told Rachel she’s about to be “in trouble” because he’s Colombian. Rachel insisted she hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone night one, but in swooped Bryan and before you could even blink these two were sucking face.
Oh, and she gave him the first impression rose so Bryan definitely knows what he’s doing here. ¿Me entiendes?
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THE ROSE CEREMONY
“It’s been a long night, but it’s been a great night,” Rachel told host Chris Harrison ahead of the rose ceremony. “I don’t like to hurt feelings.”
Alas, feelings were hurt and tears were shed — and Matt (a.k.a. penguin costume) and Lucas (a.k.a. Whaboom) are still in the running for Rachel’s final rose.
Milton, wiping tears away from his eyes: “My heart is broken. I thought I’d be here a little bit longer. I’m just disappointed. … I’m just frustrated. It’s a waste of time, that’s what I’m most upset about. I bought a bunch of outfits that I wanted to wear — didn’t even get to show them off. Probably the best-dressed dude in there. … A penguin outfit and a g—damn Whaboom beat me out and that really is the most disappointing part of this whole thing.” (Think before you growl next time, Milton.)
The Bachelorette airs Mondays (8 p.m. ET) on ABC.