I’ve decided to approach this week’s blog in a nontraditional fashion. I usually watch the episode and easily recount the most memorable moments and candid feelings in my own inner voice.
This week, I cannot do this.
With all of the negativity surrounding the Bentley debacle and the viewers’ inability to understand how I was unable to see through what seemed to be a very obvious facade, I am here with an explanation and hopefully final “closure” to this never-ending saga.
In last night’s episode, I hope you were finally able to see what Bentley was consistently doing in each conversation with me. His ego and competitiveness made him want to “get the girl,” but you know, as well as I do (now), that I was certainly not what he wanted.
But he continually fed me lines like, “I didn’t think I would miss you as much as I did,” and, “Come to Salt Lake City.” It was only at this meeting that I was able to clearly see the way he would try to smooth talk his way into my heart and then attempt to crush it on his way out. Looking back, one would think that I would be fearful that my judgment was not intact. However, I am more fearful of the fact that there are men out there so convincing of untruth.
An outsider might look at this situation and see a complete lack of social intellect on my part, and I understand that. However, when I look at my actions, I see myself as someone who was willing to give a person a chance to prove himself. I’ll admit that I was burned by a boy who saw my feelings for him as a conquest. A conquest he quickly achieved and slowly lost. In retrospect, it was just as painful for me to hear his name as it was for all of the viewers who were aware of his ill will.
But I still believe in my instinct, and most importantly I still believe myself … hopeful of finding a man who would never make me question myself, or treat another person with such lack of regard.
So if you have any question as to whether or not I am ready, confident and in a great place to move on after this episode, please know that I am, and also know that you will never have to hear the B–– word again.
I want to make it clear that I sought closure from this mystery because my heart was heading towards love and I owed it to all of these great guys to get the answers and never have to think about it again. During my date with J.P., I decided to tell him about Bentley’s return. He handled hearing the news with grace, as I had expected, and gave me the confidence to share it with the rest of the guys at the cocktail party.
I always told the guys that it was important for us to be honest with each other. I knew this cocktail party was the perfect time to tell everyone about the rendezvous I had earlier in the week. What I didn’t know is that I would have such a hard time explaining what had happened. How do you explain to the men you are dating that you had “fallen” for someone who chose to leave? And that he came back because you needed closure?
I am not sure there is a good answer to this, and I certainly see how that could make anyone feel as if they were second best. The truth is, it made me realize the caliber of men that I had and it made me feel closer to them.
Truth is the only way to build a real love. And in more ways than one, this episode marks the beginning of my beautiful, truthful, honest, genuine love story.
For more on The Bachelorette, check out Chris Harrison’s blog on EW.com