Bachelor in Paradise is back to airing two nights a week. It’s like Christmas in August!
While the premiere last week was just one episode on Tuesday, as of this week the show will air every Monday and Tuesday, providing fans with three hours of pure, unadulterated viewing pleasure.
With that being said, buckle up. We’ve got lots to cover since it all hit the fan last night.
AMANDA AND JOSH ARE BASICALLY MARRIED, NICK HATES HIS LIFE
No joke, they were actually making out the entire time. How were they even breathing?
Nick, meanwhile, was still super bitter about this. He kept trying to act like he didn’t care but he totally did. Which was fair. After all, this is the third time he’s gotten dumped on a Bachelor show, not to mention the second time he’s lost a girl to Josh. And he’s 35.
Nick: “I hope I get a rose somehow, but I don’t know how – especially now that Josh has a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.”
SARAH’S DATE WITH CHRISTIAN
Upon arriving, Christian immediately got the lowdown on who was dating who from the guys. They were all really chill about their situations with the women except for Josh, who was basically like if you touch Amanda, I’ll kill you.
Christian ended up asking Sarah out on the date. In case you’re not caught up, Sarah had gotten a rose from Daniel the night before and was totally vibing on him and all of his gloriously bizarre behavior, but she accepted the date with Christian anyway and the two went ziplining through the Mexican forest.
Maybe it’s just me, but it does seem pretty weird that of all people they made the one-armed girl rappel down a cliff. But whatever, Sarah crushed it because she’s a star.
Christian was sweet on the date, but it was just like way too much. Anyone who says, “I love your lips” after a first kiss is doing. too. much.
DANIEL SURPRISES SARAH
Daniel is definitely a freak but he just might be the most endearing freak of all time.
Daniel was jealous that Christian got to go on a date with Sarah so he decided to set up his own little mini-date back at the house with her when she got home. This was actually adorable – he even had champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries.
Daniel: “I think I’ve been dropped on my head a couple of times.”
That would explain so much.
The two ended up having a sweet conversation and Daniel even sort of stopped being a complete weirdo for once. I mean, he’s definitely still out there, but we mean that in the very nicest way possible.
Daniel: “When someone appreciates me for who I am, it makes me appreciate and respect them as well. Often it doesn’t happen. I find a lot of times people don’t respect me, because they don’t get to know me that well.”
WHY WAS THIS SO CUTE. They didn’t kiss, but Sarah was totally smitten. Anything really can happen in Paradise.
CARLY BREAKS UP WITH EVAN, THANK GOD
While all of that was going on, poor Carly was trying to recover from her horrific habanero hot date from hell with Evan, who was probably already picking out names for their children. Seriously, two people have never been on less of the same page than Evan and Carly after their date.
Anyway, Carly finally bit the bullet and broke things off. Evan cried. Hey, at least he didn’t get a nosebleed.
ENTER NEW GUY NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF
Even die-hard Bachelor superfans will have a hard time remembering who the heck Brandon Andreen is, but apparently he was a contestant on Desiree Hartsock‘s season of The Bachelorette. (He claims he was the guy in the thong in the Soulja Boy “Right Reasons” video, but honestly he might just be a crewmember the producers threw onto the beach to keep things interesting.)
So this Brandon guy showed up and Carly got super excited because she thought he was really hot. Brandon, for his part, barely looked twice in her direction and ended up asking out Haley – one of the twins – instead.
Meanwhile, Haley’s twin Emily was busy getting wasted off of one beer. Her own love interest Jared came over and started massaging her back.
Emily: “I’m pretty tight, right?” *laughs suggestively*
Jared: *blank stare because he has negative game and can’t compute sexual references*
Emily sobered up by the evening and thank God she did because she had a task of the utmost importance ahead of her: She and Haley were going to pull a switcheroo on Brandon in the middle of his date with Haley.
Yes, this really happened. It all started off on a high note for Brandon: He was on his date with Haley, he swore he could tell the difference between her and Emily, he went on and on about how “instant” his attraction for Haley was. Not Emily – Haley, he insisted.
Then Haley went to the bathroom, met up with Emily and the two swapped all their clothes and jewelry.
Then Emily, pretending to be Haley, returned to the dinner table and Brandon – to absolutely no one’s surprise – didn’t notice the difference one bit. He even tried to make out with Emily, thinking she was Haley.
AND FINALLY, EVAN ISN’T GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT
Meanwhile, back at the house Evan was slowly but surely losing his mind.
What pushed him over the edge? Probably the fact that the three main couples – Josh and Amanda, Grant and Lace and Vinny and Izzy – nicknamed themselves the Sexy Six. There was even a full-on shot of the six of them making out in a row on the same couch.
I would pay anything to watch the behind-the-scenes of this moment.
Producer: “Okay, here we go. You two start making out. Now you two. Now you two. And one more time from the top!”
So after spending hours crying in his bedroom, Evan decided to douse himself in cologne and do the most insane thing ever: He wrote a date card for himself, instructing himself to take Amanda “to the tree house,” and then proceeded to attempt to hand-deliver said card to Amanda.
Evan psyching himself up for this moment was truly painful to watch.
He finally found Amanda, who was predictably making out with Josh on the couch – and yet he still went through with it.
Stay tuned. We’ll get to watch the end of Evan spontaneously combusting next week.
Bachelor in Paradise returns Monday at 8 p.m. ET, followed by an all-new episode Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET, both on ABC.