It’s only week two on Bachelor in Paradise, but things just went from zero to 100 real quick. Let’s jump right in.
Please let this be the last time we have to talk about Chad Johnson. Please.
Shockingly, Chad was finally sent home after calling a one-armed girl “Arm-y McArm-erson.” During his exit interview, he did all the things you expected him to do: He ate deli meats and he made nonsensical statements about killing people.
Chad: “I’m pissed. I can’t ever be the Bachelor now. What am I going to do? What am I going to do after this?”
Spoiler alert: he was never going to be the Bachelor.
RELATED VIDEO: Chad Johnson’s 5 Craziest Moments on Bachelor in Paradise
LEAH ARRIVES, EVERYONE STILL HATES HER
Leah was really bummed to find out that Chad had been sent home because she wanted to ask him out. This was red flag number 12 that Leah can’t be trusted.
THE LEAH-NICK-AMANDA TRIANGLE IS BORN
Leah ended up asking Nick out on a date and Amanda – who at this point had a huge crush on Nick – was super bummed.
They went to a festival de margaritas, which sounds like the best kind of festival. They walked around, they got drunk, they made out.
Then they went home, and Nick found out he had his own date card to hand out … so he asked Amanda out. That’s right. Not Leah – Amanda.
Leah wasn’t happy about this, but Nick and Amanda went out for dinner and then they made out by a bonfire on the beach. By the time they got back to the house, these two were pretty much coupled off.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOUSE…
The heat must have really gotten to Carly at this point because she started wondering what it would be like to kiss Evan. Then they kissed and we all thought it would be the most uncomfortable thing we had to watch all episode, but it got so much worse.
Evan, on kissing Carly: “Kissing Carly for the first time was incredible. I kissed Carly and I was just like, ‘I just want to kiss you some more!’ It was butterflies and explosions. It was a perfect kiss.”
Carly, on kissing Evan: “That kiss was so terrible. I don’t understand how this man has two children.”
Lace, meanwhile, had completely moved on from her fling with Chad and was all over Grant. Later in the evening, the two decided to sneak into a bedroom for some alone time.
Lace covered the camera at the foot of the bed with a blanket and we got to watch lots of B-roll of crabs wandering around the beach to the sound of Lace moaning.
Of course, somehow the blanket slipped off in the middle of their hookup so we still got to witness some of it. First couple to spend the night together in Paradise: check.
COCKTAIL PARTY/ROSE CEREMONY
By the time the cocktail party rolled around, this group was basically a total mess and the only solid couples were Nick and Amanda, Grant and Lace and Evan and Carly (against her will).
The girls all started making the rounds, trying desperately to convince a guy to give them a rose.
Vinny, who had been kind of hooking up with Izzy, had a little moment with Sarah and made out with her (five seconds before making out with Izzy again). Vinny has definitely never had this many girls vying for him at once and he has no clue what he’s doing.
Leah pulled Nick aside to try to convince him to give her his rose, but he flat-out told her he had a stronger connection with Amanda. Hey, say what you will about the guy, but at least he’s honest.
In a last-ditch attempt to get a rose, Leah decided to put the moves on Daniel.
Leah: “I have a lot of layers.”
Daniel: “Layers. Like an onion?”
Leah: “Right, like an onion!”
Daniel: “You gonna make me cry though?”
No joke, Daniel is actually the poet we didn’t know we needed.
Leah: “No. I might cry. Because I’m the onion.”
Daniel: “… So you’re like an orange. With one layer.”
Finally the rose ceremony started and all the predictable roses were handed out: Grant gave his to Lace, Nick gave his to Amanda, and Evan gave his to Carly.
Jared was a wildcard and had been talking to both Jubilee and Emily, but he ended up choosing Emily. Because the twins are a package deal, Haley got to stay too.
Then it was Vinny’s turn, and he ended up choosing Izzy, much to Sarah’s dismay. The final rose was Daniel’s, who gave his to Sarah.
Daniel to Sarah: “These guys saved the best for last!”
Aw. That was actually kind of cute.
Jubilee and Leah went home. We’ll miss ya, Jubes.
JOSH IS HERE AND HE’S TAKING NO PRISONERS
The next morning Josh Murray showed up and it was so incredibly awkward for Nick we could barely watch.
In case you’re not caught up, Nick and Josh aren’t huge fans of each other because they were both contestants on Andi Dorfman‘s season of The Bachelorette in 2014. Josh won, he and Andi got engaged, and Nick was very bitter. In January 2015, Josh and Andi broke off their engagement, and earlier this year, Andi released a tell-all book basically ripping Josh to shreds.
So, of course it came as a surprise to absolutely no one that Josh was going to go for Amanda. And that’s an understatement.
Within five minutes of being there, he had already asked Amanda out on a date and before we could even blink, Josh and Amanda were making out on a sailboat while Nick morosely wandered up and down the beach back at the house.
Of course, Andi’s book was a big topic of conversation, both at the house and on Josh and Amanda’s date.
Josh’s take on it all?
Josh: “I can’t comment on any kind of things in a book that my ex has written about me, because it’s a fictional story.”
Amanda’s take? Well, let’s just say these two spent the better part of the date all over each other.
EVAN AND CARLY GO ON THE WORST DATE OF ALL TIME
Evan got a date card and asked Carly out because “love is a connection that you choose everyday and that’s Carly.” You can’t make up the stuff that comes out of this man’s mouth.
Carly said yes with about the same enthusiasm someone says “yes” to a colonoscopy.
Carly: “Evan gives me erectile dysfunction. He does, it’s so sad. No part of me is excited. Every part of me is unexcited.”
And just when you thought the poor girl had been through enough last season, she landed the worst date this show has ever seen: A Guinness Book of World Records-style date in which she and Evan were tasked with eating a habanero pepper, followed by making out for 90 seconds.
This was just atrocious. Forget Carly and Evan, our eyes were burning from having to witness this.
THAT SPIT STRAND WHEN THEY SEPARATED OH MY GOD THE SPIT STRAND.
Carly threw up after and it wasn’t just from the pepper.
NICK CONFRONTS JOSH, JOSH GIVES NO F—-
Back at the house, Jared and Emily finally made out after what felt like an eternity on that couch – we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Jared has no game.
Then Josh and Amanda finally came home from their date. Nick confronted Josh and it was so catty you just know somewhere Alex was watching like:
Nick: “When I gave my rose to Amanda last night, I felt really good that we were all on the same page. We both agreed that we had this connection. I think she’s great.”
Josh: “Yeah, she’s amazing for sure. We had an incredible time today, just so you know.”
Nick: “I’ve never seen someone so unapologetic for just being an ass for no reason.” Well, he’s not wrong.
Then Nick and Josh walked back over to the rest of the group and Josh planted a big fat one on Amanda in front of everyone.
Stay tuned. Part two of the episode continues Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.