Truth: I have (barely) recovered from witnessing Jamie Dornan‘s back muscles, abs and butt in the latest Fifty Shades installment. My reactions included half-heartedly clapping, audibly saying “dayum” whenever a suit-clad Dornan would pop up on screen, and, of course, snorting whenever Mr. Grey would send a “Laters, Baby” text.
Overall, however, the film left me with more questions than I had going in. (Yeah, we’re not surprised either.) Here are a few that have haunted me since.
1. How many minutes did it take for Anastasia (a.k.a. Ana a.k.a. Miss Steele, if you’re nasty) and Christian to get back together?
2. Why does Ana always sound like she’s about to reveal a lifelong secret? (In reality, she’s just asking Christian if he needs help cutting those bell peppers.)
3. Speaking of said bell peppers … what do Ana and Christian end up making for dinner in Ana’s apartment? Of course, original plans were, uh, cut short — mostly because eating comes second whenever Mr. Grey and his abs are around. Natch.
4. Who bites their lip that much? Because If this explains Ana’s always-rosy lip situation, we’re setting up hourly reminders to do just that, stat.
5. How does Christian find out Ana’s bank account information? We’re equal parts horrified and impressed.
6. Does Ana have gluten sensitivity? She agrees to a round of beers with her boss after work and takes just one sip before running off.
7. Why does Ana think she can casually skip a work trip (to N.Y.C.!) just to hang out all weekend with her hot, rich boyfriend? We get it’s tempting, but damn, girl.
8. Why would Christian take Ana to his ex Elena Lincoln’s salon so she can get her hair done? Ugh, men.
9. How did it take approximately 10 seconds for Ana to get promoted from assistant to fiction editor? Teach us your ways, Ana!
10. Why would they get in the shower fully clothed? Something tells us they didn’t check if their clothes were “Dry Clean Only.”
11. How did Leila get into Christian’s home and Ana’s apartment without being caught? Girl is smooth.
12 & 13. Who really picked out all those gowns and accessories for Ana in Christian’s guest room? Does Christian’s driver, Taylor, follow fashion trends for fun?
14. What is Christian’s favorite food? We’re intrigued, considering we never see them argue about where to go for brunch — a sign of a healthy, stable relationship.
15. Where did Ana’s best friend, Kate, go on vacation? She’s so tan and we’re so jealous.
16. How did Ana really feel about getting her dress ripped off by Mr. Grey? It was such a cute dress, and TBH, we would’ve broken up with Christian right then and there if we were Ana.
17. Why can Christian tolerate greasy red lipstick on his chest and not Ana’s hands?
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18. Also, does he not scrub his chest in the shower? That lipstick “roadmap” was prominently displayed days after Ana drew it on. Tsk, tsk, Mr. Grey.
19. Does Elena have magical powers? We will never understand how she appears and disappears when you least expect it. (But still, low-key intrigued.)
20. Did Ana get that keychain customized at the newsstand or did it just come with “YES!” printed on its back?
21. Also, what newsstand casually offers gift wrapping services? Seattle is classy, y’all.
22. How did she only find out Christian’s birthday, like, two days before accepting his proposal?
23 & 24. Does Ana help Kate find a roommate after moving in with Christian? Or did homegirl just peace out without even writing up a listing on Craigslist?
25. Does Jose ever find love? He just looked so heartbroken when Ana mentioned Christian at the bar.
26. What does Christian’s housekeeper, Mrs. Jones, think of the red room? Bless her heart for bravely dealing with the aftermath.
27. How many floors were in that building where Ana and Christian grabbed dinner (but not really, because there was no food in front of them and they barely touched their wine)? Longest elevator ride, ever.
28. How is Ana’s creepy boss, Jack, undetected both at the masquerade ball and Christian’s birthday party? You would think the Grey family would have Beyoncé-level security.