Josh Brown in December 2014
Frederick Breedon/Getty
Harriet Sokmensuer
October 20, 2016 04:35 PM

Two years before he was arrested for domestic violence, New York Giants kicker Josh Brown admitted to physically, verbally and emotionally abusing his ex-wife while they were married, according to police documents obtained by PEOPLE.

In the newly released documents — including letters, emails and a journal spanning years — Brown admitted to abusing his then-wife, Molly, calling himself a sex-addicted “deviant” who considered himself a “God” and Molly his personal “slave,” according to the documents. 

“I have been a horrible husband and stepfather,” Brown, 37, wrote in a journal he kept before his arrest for domestic violence in May 2015. “I have abused my wife.” That arrest came after Molly called 911, according to the documents.

Charges were never filed in the incident, however: “It was determined that there was insufficient evidence to prove a case beyond a reasonable doubt,” King County prosecuting attorney’s spokesman Dan Donohoe tells PEOPLE.

Molly told police Brown had been repeatedly physically abusive, according to the documents, and the two have since divorced.

The documents are part of evidence compiled by King County sheriff’s detectives, in Washington state, following Brown’s arrest and provided to them by Molly. They were publicly released Wednesday.

In August, USA Today reports, Brown told reporters that the incident last year was a single “moment in time.” But the 165 pages of documents paint a different picture.

In the handwritten admissions, Brown says his inability to empathize with women stems from being physically abused from an early age. In a letter to friends dated March 2014, Brown wrote, “I have been a liar most of my life.”

“I made selfish decisions to use and abuse women starting at the age of 7,” he wrote. “I objectified women and never really worried about the pain and hurt I caused them.”

“My ability to connect emotionally to other people was zero. My empathy levels were zero. Because I never handled these underlying issues I became an abuser and hurt [my wife] physically, emotionally and verbally. I viewed myself as God basically and she was my slave.”

He ended the note with, “I am to blame for all of this.”

Brown was suspended by the NFL for one game, following his domestic violence arrest in 2015, for violating the league’s personal conduct policy. While the punishment drew public outcry, Giants president and CEO John Mara said at the time that he supported Brown “as a man, a father, and a player.”

Speaking to New York sports radio station WFAN, Mara said he was aware of the abuse.

“He admitted to us he’d abused his wife in the past,” Mara said Thursday evening. “What’s a little unclear is the extent of that.”

In a statement Thursday, the NFL denied prior knowledge of Brown’s statements, saying that it had sought “any and all” relevant evidence from law enforcement during its own investigation following his arrest.

“We concluded our own investigation, more than a year after the initial incident, based on the facts and evidence available to us at the time,” the league said in its statement, adding it was “unfortunate” it did not know about the documents at the time.

The NFL said it will “thoroughly review the additional information and determine next steps,” but declined further comment on what potential discipline might look like.

PEOPLE could not immediately reach Brown, his representatives or the Giants for comment.

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‘I Have Struck Fear in Your Heart’

Throughout the documents, Brown expressed empathy toward his then-wife, Molly, apologizing for his behavior.

“I am sure you were afraid to tell me how you truly felt because you feared my reaction,” he wrote in an email from 2013, two years before he was arrested. “I have struck fear in your heart and not love, compassion or friendship. From the bruise on your leg when we argued … to the zipper that caught you last April. I am ashamed and disgraced to call myself a husband.”

In journal entries, Brown admitted to controlling his wife with money and emotional abuse.

“I have physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally been a repulsive man,” he wrote in one entry, circling the next sentence, “I have abused my wife.”

In one document, which is called a “Contract for Change” dated March 2013, more than two years before Brown was arrested, the Giants player details eight times he abused his wife.

“I have controlled her by making her feel less human than me,” he wrote. And, “I have disregarded my step sons’ feelings and they have witnessed my abusing their mother.”

In the contract, Brown admitted to watching pornography “on a consistent basis” to manage his “desire for physical contact,” which he later described in journal entries and emails as a sex addiction.

“I developed into a sexual deviant that viewed sex as a sport all most,” he wrote in one email.

His 2015 arrest was not his first accusation of violence, ESPN reports: In 2001, Brown pleaded no contest to misdemeanor assault charges after getting into a fight with a man dating his ex-girlfriend.

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