In her quiet, dark moments, Jaycee Dugard confided her deepest fears and aching hopes in a secret diary.
“How can I ever tell him how I want to be free?” she wrote Sept. 5, 2003, six years before Phillip and Nancy Garrido were charged with abducting her from her South Lake Tahoe home when she was 11 and keeping her their sex slave and captive for 18 years.
El Dorado County Deputy District Attorney James Clinchard revealed some of entries Thursday in a court challenge to what the prosecution has characterized as an outrageous request by the Garridos’ lawyers to find out where Jaycee and the two daughters she had with Garrido are now hiding.
In September 2003, the then-23-year-old Jaycee wrote of her feelings toward Garrido: “I don’t want to hurt him. Sometimes I think my very presence hurts him. So how can I ever tell him how I want to be free? Free to come and go as I please. Free to say I have a family. I will never cause him pain if it’s in my power to prevent it. FREE!”
In another entry, on July 5, 2004, Jaycee wrote, “It feels like I’m sinking. I’m afraid I want control of my life. . . . This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like . . . but once again he has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I am afraid he doesn’t see how the things he says makes me a prisoner . . . Why don’t I have control of my life! I feel I can’t even be sure my thoughts are my own.”
Prosecutor Clinchard told the court that Jaycee “has emphatically stated to our office that she does not want any contact with (the Garridos) or their attorneys” and that she wants the DA’s office to protect her privacy.
He also accuses Phillip Garrido of being “a master manipulator” who is “attempting to use the media and his own attorneys to continue to control” Jaycee. He asks that the court “once and for all put an end to (Garrido’s) manipulation,” which is exemplified by the journal entries.
The motions are scheduled to be heard in court on Feb. 26.
A spokeswoman for Dugard tells PEOPLE that Jaycee was aware that Clinchard was filing the document with some of her journal entries, but she has no further comment.