Maria Yagoda
February 12, 2016 01:25 PM

Everyone is scrambling to make Valentine’s Day plans, but guess what? You don’t have to be one of those people.

I’m not trying to be the person who takes a thing people enjoy (like love, for example) and then be all, “Ew, here’s why it’s bad,” but I’m also not not trying to be that person.

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Whether you’re single, married, dating, hooking up or just really focusing on eggplant parms right now, there’s no reason to force yourself to do something for Valentine’s Day. Here are 34 activities (of thousands) you can partake in if the idea of binge-eating chocolate hearts is so depressing that you end up binge-eating chocolate hearts.

1. Make yourself a sandwich. Don’t have anything edible except old beans and children’s chewable vitamins? Order a sandwich.

2. Pace around your room. Check for any little black specks on your floor, then agonize for hours over whether or not they’re rat poops. If you suspect yes, yikes.

3. Make yourself another sandwich.

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4. Ever thought about the functional implications of on-off response variation in frogs’ retinal ganglion cells? Think about it now.

5. Find a murder thing on Netflix. Eat Twizzlers and watch it until you’re uneasy with the very premise of humanity.

6. Facebook message that kid from high school who finally shed the baby weight and death metal aesthetic. Ask him out.

7. Paint your toenails a color your friend told you you could never pull off to prove to yourself you were not wounded by that comment.

8. Take a shot of bad vodka and try to remember the sensation of youth.

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9. Do a squat, lunge, high-knee and push-up. Feel superior.

10. You still have some bread left, surely. Another sandwich could be good right now.

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11. Call your parents and tell them you love them.

12. Learn every single thing you can about the Council of Trent. Hurry!

13. When your friends text you about your plans, respond with an image of a turtle emerging from a briefcase. When they express confusion, text “new phone who dis.”

14. Comment on Justin Bieber’s Instagram “heyyyy ;)” and see if he responds. Would be very cool if he did!

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15. Track down one of the girls who comments “LBLBLBLBLBLBLB” on Kylie Jenner’s Instagram photos. Ask her what “LB” means, then develop a lifelong friendship.

16. Spend all your savings on high-quality Gouda. Regret nothing.

17. Send a selfie of your choosing to your middle school ex and write, “How does it feel to miss out.” (Note the lack of question mark.)

18. Watch this dog vine for 1,000 loops.

19. Watch this other dog vine for 1,000 loops.

20. Watch this other other dog vine for 1,000 loops.

21. Master a sultry smoky eye, then read Louise Gl ck poems until you cry.

22. Color-code your closet.

23. Dance naked to “Edge of Glory.”

24. Clean your shower.

25. Dance naked to “Hotline Bling.”

26. Clean that space between your bed and the wall.

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27. Dance naked to “Hotline Bling” but now dance at double the tempo.

28. Boil up a big batch of hot dogs. Eat or discard at your leisure.

29. Start flossing, so the moral weight of lying to your dentist no longer burdens you.

30. Speaking of lies, make a list of everything you want to stop lying about. Burn the list if it doesn’t include “sexual satisfaction.”

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31. There’s gotta be some pasta somewhere. Rummage around, see what you find.

32. Make seven non-fitness-oriented goals. They must all involve mayonnaise somehow.

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33. Only rice? That’s fine. Make a pot of rice. Remember to season with salt and pepper.

34. Drink a whole bottle of the second-cheapest red wine on offer at your local liquor store. Do not feel bad for yourself. Happy V-Day!

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