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A DATE WITH OSCAR
"This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom."
– Melissa Etheridge, clutching her Oscar and reveling in her win for Best Song backstage
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"I noticed everybody's having a hard time with the Oscar and what to do with it. So I came up with this backstage. It's an Ellen Oscar Bjorn. When you go to the parties later, you'll have your hands free to shake hands or drink."
– Host Ellen DeGeneres, revealing her strategy for carrying around the heavy award at the post-show parties
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"Even though I honestly did not plan on doing this, I guess with a billion people watching it's as good a time as any."
– Vice President Al Gore, pretending to announce his bid for the White House in 2008 after Leonardo DiCaprio egged him on
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"I was just backstage with Jack Nicholson and Vice President Al Gore drinking. I don't think he's running for president. My apologies."
– George Clooney, completing Al Gore's faux candidacy announcement
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"Could you double check the envelope?"
– Martin Scorsese, receiving his Best Director trophy after being passed over for the award five times prior
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"So now we're here to present another award for something short."
– Jaden Smith, 8, joking with presenter Abigail Breslin about having to present the Best Animated Short Film and Best Live Action Short Film awards
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A CHORUS LINE
"Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with me."
– Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and Jack Black, singing about netting a future Oscar and seducing Best Actress winner Helen Mirren
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"Sound editing is very much like sex. It's usually done alone, late at night, surrounded by electronic gadgets."
– Steve Carell, presenting Best Sound Editing with Little Miss Sunshine costar Greg Kinnear
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SHE SAID 'WHAT?'
"Dame Judi Dench is not here tonight. She's having 'knee surgery' on her eyes."
– Ellen DeGeneres, jokingly explaining the Best Actress nominee's absence from the ceremony
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"Visual effects: They enable us to see aliens, experience other universes, move in slow motion or watch spiders climbing high above the city landscape. For me, just a typical weeknight in the mid '90s."
– Robert Downey, Jr., presenting the award for Best Visual Effects and referencing his drug-addled past