1 of 10
A DATE WITH OSCAR
"This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom."
– Melissa Etheridge, clutching her Oscar and reveling in her win for Best Song backstage
2 of 10
"I noticed everybody's having a hard time with the Oscar and what to do with it. So I came up with this backstage. It's an Ellen Oscar Bjorn. When you go to the parties later, you'll have your hands free to shake hands or drink."
– Host Ellen DeGeneres, revealing her strategy for carrying around the heavy award at the post-show parties
3 of 10
"Even though I honestly did not plan on doing this, I guess with a billion people watching it's as good a time as any."
– Vice President Al Gore, pretending to announce his bid for the White House in 2008 after Leonardo DiCaprio egged him on
4 of 10
"I was just backstage with Jack Nicholson and Vice President Al Gore drinking. I don't think he's running for president. My apologies."
– George Clooney, completing Al Gore's faux candidacy announcement
5 of 10
"Could you double check the envelope?"
– Martin Scorsese, receiving his Best Director trophy after being passed over for the award five times prior
6 of 10
"So now we're here to present another award for something short."
– Jaden Smith, 8, joking with presenter Abigail Breslin about having to present the Best Animated Short Film and Best Live Action Short Film awards
7 of 10
A CHORUS LINE
"Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with me."
– Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and Jack Black, singing about netting a future Oscar and seducing Best Actress winner Helen Mirren
8 of 10
"Sound editing is very much like sex. It's usually done alone, late at night, surrounded by electronic gadgets."
– Steve Carell, presenting Best Sound Editing with Little Miss Sunshine costar Greg Kinnear
9 of 10
SHE SAID 'WHAT?'
"Dame Judi Dench is not here tonight. She's having 'knee surgery' on her eyes."
– Ellen DeGeneres, jokingly explaining the Best Actress nominee's absence from the ceremony
10 of 10
"Visual effects: They enable us to see aliens, experience other universes, move in slow motion or watch spiders climbing high above the city landscape. For me, just a typical weeknight in the mid '90s."
– Robert Downey, Jr., presenting the award for Best Visual Effects and referencing his drug-addled past
Khloé Kardashian & Tristan Thompson 'Getting Serious' After Lamar Odom Divorce Reportedly Finalized
The Twittersphere Is Not Happy About Amy Schumer’s ‘Formation’ Parody
Boo, Here It Is! How Stars Are (Already) Getting Into the Halloween Spirit
Kim Kardashian West's Best Red Carpet Looks